~sunshine amidst the haze~

on days like this

2010-12-28T16:53:00.002+08:00

on days like this, i feel like screaming. i feel like running to the ends of the world. on days like this, i feel so alone. i feel like the world has come crushing down on me. i feel hopeless. on days like this, i wonder why am i alive.

i know i know. these feelings would go away. i would feel better tomorrow or the day after. at the back of my mind, i wonder and question about my faith to God. at the back of my mind, i feel guilty and remorse for doubting that He will make it happen. He is always there for me, i know.

but on days like this, i just want to hide and cry.

a glimmer of hope

2010-12-16T00:24:00.003+08:00

these days, i have been feeling down. nothing seems to be going according to plan. each time i hit an obstacle, i gather my thoughts and focus on a new plan. now, each and every plan that i have drafted and redrafted, worked and reworked, doesn't seem to be working.

i try to ignore it, i try to ignore those thoughts, those images slipping into my mind.. i try to concentrate on other aspects of my life but it's not working. oh how i wish, how much i wish, to have, to hold, to care, to love, something so precious, something so endearing, that without it, it cuts deep into my heart, breaking it to pieces.

and i can't help it, in the corner of my mind, i feel somehow it's my fault. that i'm guilty.

days like this, i seek comfort from God. i seek courage, i seek strength, i seek hope and most of all, i seek peace.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

pray for her

2010-07-13T13:18:00.000+08:00

life is so fragile. oh gosh, my mind's a mess right now. my niece, a 6 months old baby is very ill. and here i was, whining about my weight, obsessing about Gucci & Prada and my poor niece is getting worse by the minute. aarrggghhhh i dunno what to do.

my niece has rashes round her cheeks for some time. at first the doctor just provided some cream to apply. as she wasn't getting any better, my brother brought her to see a different doctor and the doctor suspected that it has something to do with her blood and ordered a blood test for her. and turns out her platelet is low, at 80 (normal is 150). the next day, another blood test was performed and this time her platelet is 70. doctor said that they will need to do another test the following day and if the platelet count drops again, a bone marrow test would be done. again a blood test is performed and this time her platelet increased to 90, and hence i thought that she will be better. that was last monday (5 July).

yesterday, her blood was tested again and her platelet count has dropped to 67. my brother, panicking, quickly drove up to Subang from Seremban to send her to SDMC but SDMC specialist was not in and the other doctor said that they would need to do the blood tests and the bone marrow tests again, and the those would roughly cost around rm10,000. so my brother sent my niece back to the Seremban GH again. she was admitted to the hospital and her platelet count has dropped to 40. she is currently encountering difficulties in breathing. and her bone marrow test is scheduled for tomorrow. if there are problems with her bone marrow, she will be referred to UMCC.

i am worried. i fear for her. my heart aches for her. i pray that she will be fine, i pray that she will be healthy and i pray that she will be strong.

Lord Jesus Christ, Good Shepherd of the sheep, you gather the lambs in your arms and carry them in your bosom: We commend to your loving care this child Ann Qi. Relieve her pain, guard her from all danger, restore to her your gifts of gladness and strength, and raise her up to a life of service to you. Hear me, we pray, for you dear Name's sake. Amen.

of mamaks and kopitiams

2010-07-08T10:18:00.001+08:00

the other day, when i was driving to work and listening to One.fm, a topic came across. the DJs mentioned about the mamak phenomenon, where we as Malaysians like to frequent and hang out. i beg to differ.

back in the days where i was in school/uni, we frequent mamaks, yes, that's true but as the new generation of kopitiams enter the arena, more and more people hang out at kopitiams. i think the youth these days would be more prone to "lepak" at Old Town or Papa Rich than at mamak stalls. the tides are changing.

gone were those days where mamaks monopolize the market. nowadays you will be as likely to hear "ipoh white coffee ice, satu!" as well as "roti canai, satu!".

or maybe i am bias. yours truly dislikes spending time in mamak stalls. why? cause i find the lack of cleanliness disturbing. well, okay, i guess you can say most restaurants are dirty, just that we don't know it as we can't see it. BUT think about this; already restaurants which look clean on the outside are unhygienic at the inside... what about mamaks which are seemingly dirty on the outside? wouldn't they be even more dirtier/unhygienic on the inside??????

ewwwwwwwww.... try ordering a limau ice (ice lime drink) and you'll see a layer of oil on top. i've sat in a mamak stall before and had a cockroach flew onto me!!! super yikes!! sometimes you will find a strand of hair in your maggie mee goreng or roti canai! and the hair might not have come from the head!!!! yucks!

i think i just lost my appetite. which is a good thing as i am trying to lose some weight. ahaha.. the story of my life. okay enough of dilly dallying, back to work!

p/s please note that not all mamaks are dirty and not all kopitiams are cleaner than mamaks. this post is just a personal view of mine.

hello blog! it's been awhile

2010-07-01T23:50:00.002+08:00

wow. it has been quite some time since i last update this blog. okay, i confessed. i actually have another blog at http://www.cathryneleanor.wordpress.com/... even so, i update that blog sporadically. i've decided to move back to blogspot and i want to import some of my post at wordpress but i have yet to find out how. it's so confusing...

maybe at the end of the day, i'll just be lazy and say, oh screw it, i know where my two blogs are and i will be able to track them myself.

it has been a long time. long enough for me to switched 2 jobs, planned a wedding, got married and finally quit smoking. i have been so busy with my work life and personal life that i have neglected my blogs. after 2 years or so of not regularly blogging, i kinda miss it and sometimes i wonder if i had blog those times, maybe i'll be able to freeze those moments forever.

henceforward, i shall make a vow and commit myself to update my blog regularly, if not frequently.

someone said to me, "Let not all your youth be consumed by Time. Leave a memento of (e)words." i think i shall do just that.

hey blogger world, look out. i'm back!

MEMEMEMEME

2008-01-12T17:25:00.000+08:00

Found this on Friendster and i find it interesting to fill it up.

MY STORY.

Hi, my name is: Cathryn
but you can call me: cath
Never in my life have I: been skinny enough
The one person who can drive me nuts is: the one i care for the most
My high school is: somewhere in seremban
When I’m nervous: my heart pounds as if it wants to jump out of my body and my hand shakes
The last song I listened to was: me singing the Alvin and the Chipmunks "The Christmas Song"
If I were to get married right now it would be to: of course to the person i love most.
My hair: is long, straight and slightly brownish with some frindge.
When I was 4: I was still hook to my bottle.
Last Christmas: I was spring cleaning and re arranging the furniture in the bedroom.
I should be: checking my phone cause i heard there's an incoming sms
When I look down I see: my round tummy
The happiest recent moment was: a few minutes ago.. playing with baby Bryan.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’: i never did watch friends.. but i fancy rachel.
I have a hard time understanding: men and myself.
There r these girls: who stood by me through thick and thin, thanks babes!
If I won an award, the first person Iwould tell would be: first person? no.. i'll shout it out loud for everyone to hear.
I want to buy: a super expensive bag that i can't afford and should not be buying.
Where do you plan to go during chinese new yr: go home to spend some quality time with mum.
If you spent the night at my house: you'll find yourself sleeping late.
The world could do better without: holier-than-thou hypocrites!
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: lotsa and lotsa books! yiipppeee!!
Most recent thing someone else bought me: a pair of earrings.
My middle name is: hehe. i'm not telling.
In the morning I: love to sleep in.
Last night I: watched desperate housewives to sleep.
There’s this guy I know: who i spend most of my time with and i love him to bits.
If I was an animal I’d be a: i do not want to be an animal and never ever imagined myself as one.
A better name for me would be: none other than my current name, Cathryn
Tomorrow I am: going to Church.
Tonight I am: having dinner further away from home.
My birthday is: 4 months away.

creativity strikes at the oddest hour

2008-01-11T16:16:00.000+08:00

it's funny how, when i finally sit down and write, i can't seem to form the words but when i'm about to fall asleep, that's when creativity strikes. how odd! how inconvenient. sigh. it seemed that i am at my most creative when i am unhappy or when i'm sleepy. thus, explaining the lack of post on my blog.

sigh. does this mean that i have to wake up and write down whatever that's in my head before i sleep?

i feel left behind. i feel that most of my friends are doing so well in their life and me... i'm dragging my feet at the back. or is it me, being overly competitive and ambitious again?

i know. i'm just going to focus on one goal at a time. and this time, i gotta achieve that 10 years old goal which i have failed to achieve. i'm 20 milestones away from the project sign off.

wish me luck!

saturday's indulgence

2008-01-05T21:00:00.000+08:00

Breakfast and lunch: A Glass of Yin Yong and a plate of Olio Pasta
Tea: Half a regular cup of Coffee Bean's Ultimate Ice Blended
Dinner: A glass of Herbal tea and a plate of char kuew tiao
Supper: A glass of milo, a glass of lime juice and bits of roti tissue

yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.... i told myself it's the weekend and i am allowed to indulge...

*nods.. food lover won!*

this morning, i was supposed to either swim or take a walk with my friend... however, cancelled it.. cause i was lazy and tired.. and she sounded sleepy over the phone... superb right? as i actually woke up at 7am... and called her to discuss it.. yet end up cancelling it and went back to sleep. LOL i think i need to tell my friend to be firm with me. hahahahaahaha. can't rely on myself to be dedicated to my regime.

went to Pavillion today but end up not buying anything due to the fact that my finances are really tight this month and the next. it sucks to window shop, me being me, cause i love shopping. sigh.

but yay! found out that next thursday is a public holiday... yippee! more time off from work. sounds fantastic! time to plan for another walk or swim..

today's menu

2008-01-04T14:02:00.000+08:00

Breakfast: Sweetened Black Coffee
Lunch: 2 pieces of Toblerone & 1 Diet Coke
Dinner: A bowl of crab and fish porridge

yes i am keeping track. i feel sick after OVER eating during the holidays. it has been so for the past 4 months. time to monitor.

and CNY is coming. another overeating overindulging period. and there's a highschool friends reunion.

being a food lover and a vain pot is not easy. most of the time, the food lover part of me wins.

shall update again, when i know what i eat during dinner. lol

off for a meeting now.

Diet of today

2008-01-03T14:18:00.000+08:00

*edited*

I've decided to keep a food diary. For me to review my dietary habits and manage it. I know it's boring but I'm lazy to start another blog just for this monitoring purposes.

Breakfast: Sweetened Black coffee
Lunch: Lime Juice, 2 Half Boiled Eggs and 1 slice of Kaya Bread
Dinner: Rice, Curry Chicken, Potato Chicken and Fried Fish

Hahahahaha.... my dinner is waaaaaaayyyyy overboard. now i know where the problem is.

welcome 2008...

2008-01-02T10:29:00.000+08:00

the feeling of elation after entering a new year eludes me. i long for the past excitement. i long for the carefree days. what is becoming of me?

i detest routine. restlessness is becoming the norm these days. it tip toed, sneaking behind my back, and catching me unaware, plunging me into the valley of shadows.

and here i am, feeling my way in the dark, wondering when did i reach here.

oh, don't misunderstand. i'm not unhappy. i'm just bored. unhappy is me drowning in tears. now i'm just yawning my way through.

ya, by the way, before i envelope myself in my boredom, happy new year!

to stifle my boredom, i shall revamp myself and start a whole new list of things to do. yet, i'm afraid of failure, so i would not reveal it now. not till i am able to achieve it.

**take a step out of your comfort zone helps you to succeed**

tribute to a friend

2008-01-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

it has been so long - 5 years? where are you? i hope life is good to you and i pray that our paths would cross again. you taught me this song, and each time i sing it, it reminds me of you.

Paper Bag - Fiona Apple

I was staring at the sky, just lookin' for a star
To pray on or wish on or something like that
I was havin' a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality, I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh, it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starvin' works when it costs
Too much to love

And I went crazy again today, lookin' for a strand to climb
Lookin' for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on, put a little love here in my void
He said it's all in your head and I said so's everything but he didn't get it
I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh, it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starvin' works when it costs
Too much to love

Hunger hurts but I want him so bad, oh, it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starvin' works when it costs
Too much to love

Hunger hurts but I want him so bad, oh, it kills
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starvin', it works when it costs
Too much to love

one for the memory

2007-12-31T21:28:00.000+08:00

it's that time of year again

2007-12-31T15:49:00.000+08:00

time to say goodbye to 2007 that is. a chapter is closing and a new chapter is beginning. would it be more interesting? gosh, i actually wrote alot today, however, in my rush, i did not manage to publish it. which kinda kills my mood to write.

what i was saying mostly was of how 2007 was for me. recently someone asked me, what kinda things that i have achieve in 2007.... and i was stumped by the question. i couldn't answer as honestly, i can't remember what sort of stuff that really makes me proud and want to proclaim it to the world.

to me, i take life when it comes. i live life, not planning ahead, absorbing every single moment of it. don't get me wrong.. i do plan of course, but not everything. i find it hard to plan what to do during my weekends, i find it hard to plan my career, i find it hard to plan for the future, but i do plan how much to save each year, i do plan for trips, hmm.. how do i explain this? i guess, i just don't plan aka think much when the end result requires other factors than just me.

i don't measure my life based on achievements... i measure it by who i'm with, how i'm spending my time, have i been kind, and whether i am happy. i measure my life, based on lessons learn every single day.

to everyone out there, happy new year! live life the way you want to live it, not dictate by others.

and for my memories, a recap of the year 2007:-

changing jobs yet remaining in the same company - a first for me.
meeting a lovely new friend and fellow reader, Hsin.
joining the RCIA, thus the beginning of my Spiritual journey.
acquired a more improved skill of applying make-up, thanks to lots of practice.
realizing that i'm aging by the speed of Bryan growing up and the numbers of wrinkles on my face.
commiting to a long term plan where most of my finances go to - sob sob
finding out that my metabolism rate is sluggish - uh-huh back to square one! darn
realizing that love is not to be conditional - thanks Mabel!
climb the Great Wall of China and went back to the past in Hanoi
gathered my courage and cut my bangs - a hairstyle that i wanted to try since ancient years
went to lots of weddings and received lots of invitations - congrats, guys! but.. does that mean i'm getting old?
improved my driving skills - i finally have more confidence in driving further away from home!
learnt that perseverance paid off..... and it made me a stronger person.
and finally, to end this, i found out that resolutions without the determination and discipline are like empty promises, it just won't happen.

was 2007 a good year? of course it was! and to an even better year, 2008, cheers!

merry christmas and a happy new year

2007-12-26T11:24:00.000+08:00

merry christmas everyone!

i hate not updating but i could not find the time or the inspiration to update. i'm sorry! this is becoming a habit!

christmas is such a busy time. and buying presents for others is such a headache! i don't know what to choose and gotta buy within budget as i am really broke.

i'm super happy cause i got a bookcase from ikea. now i've got more storage!!! yay!!!! and i spent my christmas' eve rearranging and cleaning my room. what fun!

oh, darn! 2008 is coming. i'm gonna be one year older soon.

ever since i watched one particular episode of ally mcbeal, i made it a tradition to reflect on the past year whenever the year is coming to an end.
"If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted" Ally McBeal

any tears? anyone?

annoyance is disturbing

2007-11-21T07:18:00.000+08:00

grrrr.... i can't understand people who resist helping another person. being busy doesn't give you the right to not help. what i mean is, with the time spend arguing on the phone, the time could be very well spent by helping whatever the person wants you to do. it's not as if it would take you half an hour? only 5 minutes of your precious time? gosh. i'm so flipping angry that i can barely breathe. i am trying my very best not to release my temper to innocent beings. *AARGGH*

*gritting my teeth* annoyance number two would be my favourite mobile network provider, MAXIS. recently my company requested aka commanded us who have the privilege of phone allowance, to switch our Maxis Account to a corporate account. i seriously don't mind changing, although this means i am bonded to use Maxis for the 2 next freaking years, no matter how angry i am with them. and for being bonded for 2 years, Maxis is giving me a lousy phone which probably cost RM200 ish. this step taken by them is, i believe, Maxis is afraid of loosing its subscribers due to next year's MNP (Mobile Number Portability; i.e. in Singapore). Well, if you are truly afraid, then do something with your SERVICE. anyway, i digressed. as i am changing plans, i asked the maxis PIC (Person In Charge) whether my settings aka my billing setting would be changed. HE SAID NO, YOU CAN RETAIN YOUR OLD SETTINGS. and his name is GANGA, please remember his lousy advice. yeah right, i can retain my old settings. i called up MAXIS last night, and i was told by TRACY, miss customer service that my settings is set to default and i gotta register/apply all over again. DAMN.

one tiny annoyance is.... there's another person named Catherine in my office. i know it's a different spelling BUT the pronunciation is the same!!!!!! now i don't know whether my colleagues are addressing me or her.

i better drink some water to cool off. TA, lunch time is here!

first day in multipy!

2007-11-21T06:12:00.000+08:00

yay! my very first day of using multiply.... there were previous attempts of luring me to join multiply but to no avail.. but finally i join multiply... just so that i can comment in ann's blog. :P

and multiply has this cool feature where i can cross blog.. meaning that if i post a blog post in multiply.. it will post the exact same one in blogspot... cool huh?

for my blogspot reader's, my multiply site is: www.cathrynling.multiply.com

i'm gonna upload more pics and songs when i've got the chance too.. exciting!

random thoughts

2007-11-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

if ever i am able to emancipate myself from materialism, will happiness easier to achieve? not only materialism, living in the world today, you tend to restrict yourself. for the fear of others' views, for the fear of the unknown, for the fear of just being yourself truly. sometimes, i have the thoughts, that if i ever am able to know myself 100%, to understand myself 100%, would i dislike me?
taking the challenge, pushing yourself to the limits, to overcome the boundaries that you set yourself, will help you to grow, to become better. this is what i always think. aren't we all suppose to push ourselves to the next level? but sometimes, a sly thought will creep in my mind, "when will it be ever enough? nothing ever seems to be good enough". but i pushed it aside, always.
friends come and go. but true friends remain at your side, throughout. is that true? does that mean that those friends who no longer are your friends, were never a true friend to begin with? i beg to differ. think of it this way, at that moment in life, when you n her were friends, she really was a true friend. it's because, as time passes by, people grow up and you and her grow towards a different direction. sometimes, although i no longer am friends with them, i still care and hope for the best for them. no matter what, they did treat you good before and were there for you before. memories of those happy times, will remain in my heart forever.
being in a relationship, i know arguments are unavoidable. sometimes, the arguments become so serious, that i can't even remember how it started and what's the reason of arguing. what in the world are lovers arguing for? i thought love conquers all. ROFL.
scoring As and distinctions in exams, you would think that that person will have a high flying career. WRONG! isn't it weird when those who do well in studies, does not always do that well in their career? every parent pushes their child to study and score distinctions for their future, so that the child will have a great career. and thus, the child succumbs, to the expectation that good grades equal to a good career, pushing himself to study and yet, when he begins his working life.... he did not do well. Funny how the world works. the irony of it.

yeah, this is the sort of stuff i think. silly me.

gosh, it's late. gotta go. n kill my brain cells.

welcoming the new year

2007-11-14T12:50:00.000+08:00

to celebrate the coming of new year (yes, i know it's a month plus away but still just around the corner!), i'd decided to cut my hair. i overcame my fear of the hairstyle being a mistake and took the plunge:-

What do ya think? LOL

My face looks chubbier with the new haircut.

and, i'll upload the pictures on beijing soon... took me quite some time to compile it.. and when i had the time to upload, blogspot refused to co-operate..... i couldn't upload.

life is going to be fun! :) 2008 will be fantastic! *crossing my fingers*

my beijing trip last september

2007-11-07T16:34:00.000+08:00

Nice trip, guys! round 2?

surprise phonecall

2007-10-16T11:16:00.000+08:00

surprise surprise. i received a phone call from maxis.

why the surprise? cause i didn't expect them to follow up on it.

what happened was, i couldn't send mms using my phone recently, so i called up maxis to troubleshoot and fix it. but they pissed me up real bad.

they keep making me go round and round, unable to solve my problem. i end up sounding really sarcastic. and the customer service girl couldn't solve the issue, she gave me a lame excuse and i gave her a lousy rating for her services.

one week later, someone else from Maxis called, asking what happened that triggered me to give such a lousy rating. i told her that the customer service girl was useless, couldn't help me with my problem and had to resort to lying to pacify me. She couldn't give me any useful suggestions. Sigh.

the person who called me made me feel better and gave me some useful advice. this is what i want! it isn't that hard! i wonder whether the customer service in maxis lacks training or she's just plain dumb?

honestly, receiving that follow-up phone call from maxis really surprised me cause i did not expect them to do so. or perhaps, deep down inside, i didn't think that anyone actually reads the ratings that the customer provides. this shows how much confidence i have of malaysia's customer service' quality.

sleep?

2007-10-15T23:07:00.000+08:00

i find it hard to sleep these days. i have a nagging feeling that this may due to my cough medicine.

you see, i was ill a week ago.. and i was coughing non-stop, so i had to take cough mix to be able to have a peaceful night of sleep. the trouble is, right now, i don't feel sleepy at night now.. unless i take the cough medicine.

wow. it's a wonder how fast i began relying on the mixture. cause i only took it for a week, and it's not in huge dosages... only at night, before i sleep.

or could my insomniac nights be due to subconscious stress? dissatisfaction towards something in life? trouble is, i don't know. duh! i did say subconscious stress.

i rather think that it's because of the cough meds. but this side of it seem rather serious. cause i don't want to be dependent on something. i'm not really bothered by this as i think i'll get over this soon enough.

it's just that... i'm still suffering from the cough attacks at night. it just like to visit me when i'm trying to fall asleep.. ain't that a pain in the a**? and my cough mixture is depleting. time for another visit at the docs....

note: i'm just bored and by being bored, i am writing....... nonsense here. sorry. bear with me.

starry starry night

2007-10-04T22:42:00.000+08:00

starry starry night... paint your palette blue and grey....

soothing song.... anyone has the MP3? i can't seem to find it..

surprise, surprise.. today i found out that one of my new colleagues found out about my badly hidden secret. this little blog of mine. well, well..

*winkz* it's not a big deal, really. this is a PUBLIC blog. =)

my friends said that i'm a cuckoo.. cause i watch drama by just listening to it.. and barely glance at the screen.... as i'll be doing some paperwork, writing emails at the same time.

what can i say? i'm just good at multitasking! akkakakkakakaka

next thursday, i'll be on leave for a day! yeah! finally..... cause i'm going for an interview....

wey... don't misunderstand, k? i'm just going for an interview for RCIA... for those who doesn't already know, i'm currently attending classes to become a Catholic.. next week, is an interview on my FAITH... sigh.. i'm quite nervous... what if i fail? what if they reject me? what if they think i'm not ready to convert yet???

noooooo!!!! i am ready.. really. i'm really hoping that i can pass the interview...

i'm also looking forward for the Raya holidays... i need some time to catch up with my girls.

this 2 months plus had been such a hectic time for me, at work and in my personal life. i have a special project going on. can't reveal it here yet... but this is one major step.

last weekend, is baby bryan's full month!!!! *muacks. be a good boy, k?*

this saturday, someone is getting married. i'm going to attend the wedding mass and the dinner! *congratulations to the happy couple! have a fantastic honeymoon!*

oh yes, i know i promised to post pictures of the beijing trip.. but i haven't collect all photos from them yet... and as usual, i've been really busy! so sorry!.... the trip was so tiring! i think the distance i walked during that 3 days in beijing... can take me from PJ to KL. ekekekek...

i finally went to the great wall of china.... wahhhhhh.. what a wonder.... and such hard work to climb it...

i'll definitely go there again.. to climb it once more! if i ever get a chance to!

someone.... bring me to the SPA.... i want some time off...

midnight post

2007-09-28T00:31:00.000+08:00

it's midnight, and i'm still at it. working, that is.

i wonder how long will this continue.

another work crisis, one after the other. reports, emails, clients, bugs, timeline, CRs, gosh.

my dreams are about work these days.

I'M SUCH A BORE>>>>> what happened to my life? what happened to my inspiration?

and no matter how much i work towards it, i still feel i've not done my best.

deep down, inside, i'm afraid of being said useless.

that's right

2007-09-10T16:49:00.001+08:00

one cannot clap with one hand

reminisence of my evening walks with mum

2007-09-09T22:33:00.000+08:00

i remembered when i was a little girl, i used to take evening walks with mum. it was my favourite past time, taking that short walk to the side of the main road, and sitting by the curb of a big drain - the main road was higher than the inner roads, so it created a bench/curb for us to sit on.

it was our time together, where i talked all sort of stuffs to my mum, being the usual me, an extremely talkative girl. we used to sit there, watching the cars past by, and we made a game, counting different colors or types of cars that passes by. it's these moments where i grew closer to my mum, these moments which bond us together when i was young.

after spending some time counting cars and looking at the stars in the night sky, we will make our way to the public phone booth, where my mum will make some calls to my uncles and aunts.

little did i know, that our walks in the evening, are actually an escape for my mum. as i grew up, i begin to realize that mum was actually finding a breather during our walks, she was trying to walk away from troubles with daddy.

and today, i finally found out how she felt. why she needed those walks. why she needed some space. what she actually felt when she was walking with me and how lonely she was.

i was alone in the park for 4 hours. i wanted an escape and i didn't know where to look for it. i didn't know how. so i end up sitting there, pondering, searching for an answer. when time came to leave, i didn't know how.

and i finally know how mum felt, when she took the walk home.

sad to say, when those walks ended, throughout those years, i drifted apart from mum.

i miss looking at the stars.

TGIF

2007-09-07T13:34:00.001+08:00

Realization that today is friday makes me feel much better. I hope the weekend will be a time of rest and leisure for me. I miss you.

To the battle field

2007-09-07T13:19:00.001+08:00

Early morning LRT ride. The thought of going into the battle field is an anguish by itself.

i don't know what to say

2007-09-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

it's been too long. i still.. can't find the time and the right mood to blog here. work has been hectic, gosh. maybe for others who are workaholic, my amount of work is nothing.. but to me, right now, it is.

what's new in my life? nothing. as usual, shopping, work, reading, watching tv and nothing much.
this sunday, i have a bonding thing to go to, with my RCIA members.

next friday, i'm flying off to beijing. 4 days. am i excited? i guess i should be, but i can't help thinking about the pending matters.

i find it really hard these days, to control my emotions/anger. these days, there are situations where i just want to strangle/scream/shout/cry but i just swallow it all in. i keep telling myself, this is an obstacle, once i overcome it, i'll be stronger and better.

it'll pass. i know it. well, life would be boring, without its ups and downs, right?

i've really gotta find a way out of this cloud. i guess, i'll post happy pictures of me at beijing. that should cheer me up! n guys, my life is not as dreary as i am potraying it to be in my blog. i'm just a drama queen.

=P

blog temporary down

2007-08-18T02:06:00.000+08:00

yes. sorry. i love writing. but....... if only, there are 48 hours in a day.

current:
life=work

weekdays=work
weekends=recuperating

ta. soon to be over.

a layer of dust

2007-08-12T00:38:00.000+08:00

i feel that there's a layer of digital dust on my blog. i can almost imagine a digital me, trying to blow all the dust away. i have been neglecting my dear blog, i know. work, has been taking most of my time, and weekends... are spent relaxing or resting. i've been feeling lethargic lately.

hsin, my colleague, was really nice to lend me her books to read. i just finished one of them, "the time traveler's wife". gosh, the book took me along to an incredible journey of a kaleidoscope of feelings. the book was thought provoking, touching..... yet sad. it made me wanting to appreciate normal mundane life, it made me wanting such love.. a person who waits for you no matter what, a person who holds your hand and walk down the path of life with you.

sigh. the disillusionment again.

dear desiree, happy birthday! *muacks* you look beautiful tonight. it was great, seeing all of us together again. i realized, out of a sudden that, we are adults. and darn! i look the oldest.

*yawn* it's getting rather late here. i gotta scoot off to dreamland soon. tomorrow is badminton day and it is 1.53am now.

the weekends.. really do pass too fast. i feel... that my childhood flew by me, my teenage years.. flew by me.. and now, i'm almost in my mid twenties... i'm afraid.. really afraid of having all of my life flew by me.

when small things add up into a big thing

2007-08-08T18:41:00.000+08:00

i guess it wouldn't matter so much if it was just this one small thing. but small things add up, and it turns into one big thing. and that one big thing refused to go down my throat. it's just there.

and it's stuck. gosh, if i'm a sink, i would look for the plumber. the plumber from desperate housewives, wisteria lane. =P

but i'm human. tough luck. if i really have a physical thing stuck at my throat for so long, i think i'd die by now. or perhaps i would have got a doctor to get rid of it immediately.

too bad, it's just a metaphor.

tomorrow will be a better day.

3 years ago

2007-08-08T17:27:00.000+08:00

3 years ago today, I was drunk.

3 years down the road, I am who I am today.

Random Pictures of Me

2007-07-30T10:12:00.000+08:00

My new found friend in SOHO, One Utama. kekekekeke

The Shopaholic In Me - Now you know why I'm so poor

Hmm.. I wonder where's my food??

15 minutes later.... still waiting....

30 minutes later.. Yup, still waiting and starving

Before my make over.. Yeah I know I look very country bumpkin but my hair was in the way

Ta Dah! New look...

I like my LC look better.. haha.. suits me better.

love is not like how u read in books or watch in movies

2007-07-27T10:36:00.000+08:00

sometimes, reading too many books and watching too many movies are bad for you. why? because you lose your sense of reality. your expectations towards life are unrealistic. your opinions are formed based on life you see in movies or read in books.

i realized now that what movies/books say about love is a dream. in reality, it's not easy and it's different.

in reality, love is:-

when he/she cooks instant noodle for you, middle of the night when you are hungry.
when he/she touches your forehead to check whether you are down with fever.
when he/she carries a heavy bag for you although he/she has to carry his/her own heavy stuff.
when he/she kisses your cheek when you are reading or watching tv or sleeping.
when he/she refrains from provoking you when he/she knows that you had a hard day.
when he/she holds your hand when crossing roads or drains.
when he/she hugs you when you feel cold
when he/she surprises you by buying your favourite food
when he/she companies you to watch a movie he/she dislike
when he/she shares with you the good things in his/her life
when he/she does silly gestures to make you laugh
when he/she tries to understand your irrational fears and push them away
when he/she shares with you his/her childhood memories, happy or sad.
when he/she massages your head when you have a headache
when he/she starts cam-whoring together with you. LOL
when silence doesn't need to be a barrier between you. a comfortable silence.

ok. i'll stop being lovey dovey here. but.... doesn't books and movies teach you the most unrealistic stuff? for example, there's no such thing as an 24 hours perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. a boyfriend can't be sensitive to his girlfriend's needs all the time. a girlfriend can't be soft and gentle all the time. when a disagreement/argument happens, you don't make up immediately. nor does he comes apologizing all the time.

a relationship needs work. it doesn't just happen to be perfect from nothing. and most of the time, it is not romantic. come on, tell me, who has the time to be romantic most of the time? gosh.

bad movies, bad books. it creates a maya and blurs your perception of real life.

suitable suitor or the wrong one, it's up to you to decide, not standards set by movies/books. your happiness lies in your hands only.

and guys, have a great weekend! TGIF

Gentle, Soft & Feminine - Definitely not me

2007-07-25T08:26:00.000+08:00

today, after some time (i am car pooling with people these days), i took the lrt. as usual, when i am in the lrt, i'll start to think, perhaps cause i was lacking of other things to do. and when i do start to think, i become really pessimistic or maybe you can call it, realistic.

you know how you hear in almost every single love song sung by guys aka men, that the person he is in love with, is gentle, soft and feminine. and thus, when i listen to a song today, a thought sprung up. i realized that i'm not gentle, soft nor am i really feminine. i am in reality, stubborn as a mule, has a temper like a bull, opinionated and loud spoken. does this mean that i'm less attractive to men? does that mean men would not be able to love someone like me?

wow. is this a surprise to me? some part of me will say yes, some part of me will say no. perhaps, i have known it deep down inside, that men aka egoistic people cannot tolerate a person like me for a long period of time. but then again, as i continue thinking, does it matter? do i really need to change for the sake of wanting to be loved? wouldn't i lose my identity? and wouldn't that make me unhappy? wait a minute, isn't the ultimate reason of wanting to be loved is to be happy? gosh, what a predicament.

yes, i do know that having a temper like me is not really a great thing nor it is a thing to be proud of. i admit that i have to learn to be more patient and to handle people with more care. however, i do know that, at the end of the day, a temper like mine will never go away, perhaps i can just tone it down. and being stubborn, is not a good thing either. stubbornness, sometimes causes me to do things that i don't mean to do. or causes me not to do things that i want to. i know i have to learn how to deal with my pride and my want to always be right.

i definitely do not wish to change certain things about me. for instance, i like being opinionated. i like voicing out my opinions and stand firm to it when i know i am right. i like the fact that i am able to tell people my views although i know it might agitate them. i like being direct, i like being honest and not being a major hypocrite. now, notice that i said major hypocrite. after so many years, i realize that every single person in this world is a hypocrite, just that some maybe more fake than the other. i like being real.

i like being me, i know i got to change but not to another person, just a better me. this means, at the end of the day, i definitely will not turn into someone that is gentle, soft and feminine. i'm sorry, i guess you just got to accept me not being gentle, soft and feminine.

:)

Not Pretty Enough - Kasey Chambers

2007-07-20T15:02:00.000+08:00

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

I first heard this song on my first night shift in Starbucks.. which was 4 years ago. It struck me to the core. It is as if, the song is about me. I felt myself being strip bare naked, for everyone to see. How I feel about myself, truly. The song... represent me and my insecurities.

I wish that, one day, when I listen to this song, I would not be affected by it anymore.

*yes, des. i'll try to be less vain. i know that beauty is not only skin deep. but somehow, even if u are beautiful inside, you will require to be a bit beautiful on the outside, to be accepted by others.

thank you for tagging me, Pagan! here's my meme

2007-07-16T14:18:00.000+08:00

8 random facts/habits about Cath:-

i think i would be happier if i am 45kgs. i am just in a self-denial state.
i am afraid of birds, even chickens. really! once, i didn't go out of the house for the whole day cause there was a rooster at the gate.
i always dream of working overseas. i.e. USA, Australia, UK - in pursuit of happiness
i cry easily. i can go on and on for the whole night. yeah, cry me a river!
i can't really drive, cause i can't park/reverse. i am extremely ashamed of that fact.
i am too strong-willed that i think i'm not suitable to date.
i destroy at least a pair of shoes every month. thus, my excuse to buy more.
i wallow in self-pity too much. yup, i'm pathetic, i know. trying to learn not to do so anymore!

hmm. i'm not going to tag anyone... please do it if you want to... then let me know, so that i can go read it.

melt it away... and 450ml down

2007-07-13T09:24:00.000+08:00

i wish for it to be melted away.... my excess fats. ahhahha

i know i know. the lack of updates. but i have nothing to say and i have been busy.

yesterday, i donated 450ml of my blood away.

honestly, i'm not really a charitable person when it comes to giving money to the unfortunate. i only donate my money to the Church. other than that, when i pass a blind man, or a deaf person tries to sell me something, i will just say no. perhaps, this is due to my cynicism. there's a lot of unfortunate people asking for money from you these days. especially when you are sitting down, eating. i don't know whether they are really that unfortunate or just.. trying to con your money by inducing sympathy.

however, i don't mind donating my blood, anytime! because i am sure it will go to someone who needs it. and the best thing is, no money is involved! yahoo!

gosh.... my office is freezing again... and today is friday... it looks really gloomy outside... rainy friday.

i pledge i will try not to allow the gloominess of the weather to affect me. i promise i will be more cheerful.

have a great weekend, guys!

*i shall love myself more. i shall believe in myself more. i shall i shall i shall forget about responsibilities. why waste my youth away? :P

dear jamy and yenny

2007-07-09T14:14:00.000+08:00

hey you two,

please, for my sake, write in englishhhhhhh... i can't read chinese... it's bad enough that every single post in yenny's blog is in chinese... nowadays, jamy's too!!!!!!!!!

both of you are my favourite bloggers.......... now, what am i supposed to do for reading materials? besides, i feel left out!!!

damn it, why can't i read and write in CHINESE?

i'm a freaking CHINESE, for heaven's sake.

gosh. i'm so useless.

oh gosh, memories

2007-06-29T10:11:00.000+08:00

as i listen to irreplaceable by beyonce, some sort of feeling crept in. it reminded me of last year's christmas. sigh. i miss having that feeling. i wish it is still here.

i wish it is christmas now. i wish that i feel the same as before.

for me, songs represent memories. it represents the state of mind and the situation that i was in when i first heard that song. i guess, maybe that's why some couples have 'their song'.

every time i listen to a song that i first heard it when i was sad, those sad memories will rush through my mind like angry rivers. and right now, irreplaceable, reminds me of last christmas.

i miss last christmas. i miss feeling that way.

i am doing this because i want to

2007-06-27T10:56:00.000+08:00

The four things tag thingie

four jobs I have in my life:

events organizing
software engineer
regional business development
project management

four places I’ve lived in:

Seremban, Malaysia
Cameron Highlands, Malaysia
Petaling Jaya, Malaysia
Jakarta, Indonesia

four places I’ve been on a vacation:

Singapore
Bangkok
Vietnam
Pulau Perhentian??

four of my favorite food:

Aunty's chicken rice
Hong Kong Porridge (Theng Chai Juk)
Fried Mee Hoon
Pan Mee

four of the places I’d rather be right now:

way back in the past
as another person
at a beach somewhere
in a cafe, in Paris

The ABC tag

A is for age:
23, i almost forgot that i am 23. i filled up a form the other day, and wrote 22 as my age! LOL

B is for beer of choice:
Heineken

C is for career:
a non-existent one, talk, email, wait, plan, bug, phone, draw.

D is for your dog’s name:
no longer have a dog. i want a beagle or a golden retriever. haven't think of a name yet.

E is for essential item you use everyday:
MAKE-UP & Handphone

F is for favorite song (one only) at the moment:
Gwen Stefani - 4 in the Morning

G is for favorite game:
don't have one currently.

H is for hometown:
Seremban

I is for instruments you play:
None. Does the recorder count?

J is for favorite juice:
Orange!!!!!

K is for kids:
i love babies. but, i don't know whether i'm ready for the responsibility or not. if i do have, i would like to have only 1 or 2.

L is for last hug:
Last night

M is for malls:
The Curve is my current favourite hangout mall.

N is for name of your love:
Stephen. gosh. *i am blushing*

O is for overnight hospital stays:
have not try that yet.

P is for phobias:
Paranoia. I keep having the feeling of leaving important things behind. and Heights, i'm terrify of heights.

Q is for quote:
life is not entirely about the final destination; it is about the journey where you touch people's life and allow them to touch yours - MINE, Cathryn

R is for your race:
Chinese. i think.

S is for status:
In a relationship.

T is for things you like:
Books, Coffee, Money (ROFL)

U is for underwear:
I wish Victoria Secrets is available in Malaysia.

V is for vegetable you love:
Broccoli and Cabbage

W is for worst habit:
Procrastination. I am such a last-minute person.

X is for x-rays you’ve had:
Nose x-ray to see whether i have a problem with my sinus, and chest x-ray for job application

Y is for yummy food you know how to make:
Chicken Stew. and does instant noodles count? i think they taste great!

Z is for zodiac sign:
Taurus, Warmhearted & Loving, Persistent & Determined

migraine & Damien Rice

2007-06-27T10:06:00.000+08:00

i woke up with a migraine. pulled myself off the bed, dragged my feet to the washroom, and splashed cold water to my face. took a sleepy hot shower, hoping to feel better.

same old same old, so i skipped breakfast and went to work. when i reached office, damien rice is on the air. darn. the annoyance started to kick in. this is the 3rd day in a row that i'm listening to damien rice, and it is not out of pleasure. i don't even like damien rice's songs in the first place. someone is playing it and i am getting sick of it. it sounds like a bunch of incomprehensible mumble jumble to me. why? because it is being played at a volume that's not soft enough to ignore yet not loud enough for me to understand what it's about.

and it is not helping my migraine either. so i plugged in my earphones and listen to songs that i prefer more. luckily, after a cup of coffee, my migraine miraculously disappear. thank god!

john, i still don't like damien rice. don't try to convert me. after this, i am disliking it more! yes, i admit, i'm more of a pop person. and have a great time in bali! remember to buy me a souvenier, k? take more pictures for us to see..... hope u have another drunken adventure this time around! ROFL....

music of my heart

2007-06-25T14:19:00.000+08:00

i am feeling emo again. why? i'm listening to songs that causes my heart to wrench and feel its emptiness. don't ask me why it's empty, because i do not know the reason why.

somehow, i wish there's more to life than just.... my current one. i yearn to be more than who i am. i yearn to have more in life. i yearn to be in the in-crowd. i yearn to be one of those tough women that you come to admire. i........ just wish there's more to me. i wish i am better.

yet, at the same time, i want things to remain as it is. i know i'm on the right track. i know that things are great. i know that i am happy. yet..... i am a person who wants to experience every angle of life. thus, i always have all sorts of what ifs...

somehow, sometimes i feel that i'm missing out of life. i have not travel much. i want to go to lotsa places. i do not know how to play the piano. i do not speak french or japanese. i still can't drive properly. i can't dance. i can't swim properly. i can't cook much. i am still 10kgs or more away from what i wish to be. i don't get to party much. i don't have much time!!!!!!

and here i am, ranting away... why? damn those songs!

i've noticed something.... from long long ago. but i'm not sure whether you will agree with me or not. i noticed that chinese songs bring out deeper emotions than english songs. chinese songs move/touch your heart more. isn't it so?

i am just rambling here. with no specific intention nor am i feeling really depressed... just a temporary thing caused by those DAMN songs!

i'm in the top 3!

2007-06-22T18:34:00.000+08:00

i was absent from last week's monthly meeting in my office. thus i did not realize that i was in the top 10 till.....TODAY! when i read the minutes of meeting. damn. not only i'm in the top 10, i am in the top 3!

well, i know you will be wondering what is it that i'm talking about. my company actually monitors how much bandwidth you use each month and rank your usage. i still don't understand how can i be in the top 3???? i don't download things, i don't stream music, i hardly upload pictures. what the hell?????? fyi, i cannot be in the top 3 for 3 consecutive months..... got some mysterious penalty... so, guys, please understand if i don't upload pictures here... i don't want to end up in the top 3 again!

sorry about the lack of update, i was away. took 3 days leave from work, and when i went back to work yesterday, i was too busy and tired to do any updating.

i am still very tired and exhausted. yesterday, bee ling chat with me, and she asked me to organize a get-together before jason goes off to australia.... i was like... me again? i am kinda swamped by work recently.... hahaha.. anyway, i will try to do it once i have enough time.. so jason, when are you leaving again? let's meet up before you leave.......

a post by my dearest friend about me!

2007-06-15T16:03:00.000+08:00

Please read below for the whole post about me by Desiree!

Kindred Spirits!

Recently I was told to update my blog by the only person whom i believe actually takes the time to read it. Thanks sweetie! You're the best..you know who you are! Let me tell you a bit about her. Besides my family, she has known me for the longest time. We have known each other since we were both 2-years old. Though we hated each other (ok hate is a strong word, let's just put it as mutual dislike or irritation). We went to the same kindie, primary school and secondary school and we hardly got along back in those days. Towards the end of secondary though, we were civil to each other, close but not tight, but I am glad to say that, she is one of the best friends I have to date. She is the type of person you can depend on for an honest opinion. Never afraid to speak her mind, expect nothing but blatant obvious statements from her when you least expect it. Some may find this odd, peculiar or down right rude, BUT i think this shows her level of sincerity. "No frills!" would be her tagline if i could give her one. I appreciate this kind of honesty. In times of need, she never fails to come through for those whom are truly close to her. It ain't easy getting into her good books, once you are in, stay there and don't be stupid to ever try and get out. Seet @ Cathryn, my oldest and closest friend who will always remain dear to me. I have very few CLOSE friends..or should i call them Kindred Spirits (ala Anne of Green Gables). This blog entry I dedicate to the only fan of my blog! (or the only person who reads it).

awwwwwwwwww... so sweet...

i am so touched....... see guys, remember to appreciate me like how Desiree does.... i want to write more about Desiree today... but i'm not feeling well.... shall write more after i'm back! thanks alot Desiree..

reminiscense of the past: a so-called friend

2007-06-12T10:42:00.000+08:00

once upon a time, i was best of friends with this girl, hmm, let's just call her, A. i help out wherever that i could and whenever. i listen to her problems, trying to be a supportive friend. at the same time, i poured my heart out to her. and so, she knows every single little thing about me.

being the caring friend that i was, i tried to help her patch up with her ex. please bear in mind that i do not know her ex. i have never seen him or talk to him. although my house is less than 3 minutes away from her house. however, based on what A told me about him, i thought he was too good of a catch to let go off. so, i tried to patch them back together.

how you asked me? well, since they were still friends and were still meeting up, i kept asking to meet him. i thought if i met him, perhaps i could patch them up. oh, the naiveness. little did i know, she was bitching about me, behind my back., saying that i wanted to snatch her ex bf away from her. huh??? please note that till today, i have not seen him or talk to him ever. also note that, at that time, i was attached... although i was attached to an arse, but that doesn't mean that i want to go flirt somewhere else. sigh.

anyway, i was hurt. as i didn't think for a second that my so-called friend A would ever do that to me. and she did. what i didn't understand was...... why? i only wanted the best for her. then i started to think..... did A's ex bf ever existed? is he just a figment of her imagination? did she created that story up because she wanted to fit in? did she created the story up because she crave for attention?

as i sat there, thinking, i remembered how she used to claim that she could sense ghosts and see them. how her house is haunted. how depressed she felt. how rich she claimed she is. how she claimed her father was a millionaire..... but driving a lousy 15 year old car... huh?? yes, i admit that she has her own sad story, but life wasn't entirely that bad for her. at the end, i came to the conclusion that she's an attention seeker.

i treated her nice even after that incident. i just don't trust her anymore. and i don't think of her as a friend anymore. just an acquaintance. and so... i lost contact with her, after i came to KL to study.

recently.. we came into contact again. as usual, she was telling me stories of how great her life is... in the sense of her career and the money she's earning.... and at the same time, telling me her sob story... saying that she's very sick... and that she has this blood cell imbalance or something. that she keep fainting. in fact, she told me she was admitted to the hospital last week because she fainted.

sad to say..... once you lost my trust and respect.. it's gone forever. i did not feel anything for her. i did not feel sorry neither do i care of her well being. in fact, when she told me she was admitted to the hospital, it was as if she's telling me she ate chicken rice for lunch.

not because i am cold hearted, no no no. it is because.. i simply just don't believe her anymore. i just think that she's exaggerating and is seeking for attention again. to me, she is a major drama queen.

however i don't mind keeping in touch with her. it's good to know more.

and who knows, perhaps, one day, we can truly be friends back. if she ever apologies to me, and explain to me of whatever she did in the past...

but... so far... i'm keeping my cynicism.

my current work station and other pictures

2007-06-11T13:37:00.000+08:00

Mr Red to keep me company and light up my day at work. Every time I see him, I can't help but smile. He's so cute! And so nice to hug. On Mr Red's Right is my Lego calendar. Still haven't figure out how to fix that one. Yeah, and on Mr Red's Left, is my Scrabble Calendar. *giggles*

Piggie is on top of Patrick. Oops! ekekeke. They belong to my colleague, Annee. Hmmph, they are always showing me their butt. Rude! *Hehe* Yes, another calendar, a normal one this time.

Overall picture of my workstation. Previously at my old place, it was kinda empty and dull. Now, it is so colorful. Hehe. Yes, a lot of things. Most of them are from my beloved friends.

Cool picture, eh? Taken from Celcom's building. Nice View. Too bad I couldn't take the whole of KLCC Twin Towers. Guess which part of KL is this? Who knows where Celcom is? *Snigger*

Friday's jam and rain. Gloomy Gloomy day. This is what I faced, everyday, after work. Damn the jam. Always giving me a headache. Oooh.... and KL was flooded this morning. Did you guys see it? DBKL was busy cleaning up. Too bad I don't have the picture.

you are a major piece of shit, you asshole!

2007-06-08T11:39:00.000+08:00

you idiotic sick faggot! you are rude, ungrateful, spoilt and so "perasan" that you think you are better than me. please la, look at yourself. i will provide you with a mirror if you don't have one.

when you need something from me, you will be oh so nice to me. you son of a b***h. i have ENOUGH of your ungrateful shit face. i have been so patient and ever so nice to you. out of sympathy, i have been helping you out. and this is how you repay me? damn you. damn you, damn you.

have you no sense of courtesy at all? have you no sense of gratitude? how come people like you have things so easy in life, whereas people like me, have to have it harder? this is so NOT FAIR.

just because i am a sweet young thing, that doesn't mean you can bully me as you wish.

you don't deserve whatever you have. don't come crawling to me, asking for help. cause i have had enough and i'm not going to help you ANYMORE. you can go to hell, for all i care.

you can continue being SICK. i am not going to be your LIFE-LINE anymore. YOU can DROWN for all i care. and i'm pretty sure you will, as i have decided to abandon ship.

behind my back

2007-06-07T16:27:00.000+08:00

i wonder who is throwing daggers at my back.

behind my back, i know people are talking. some may be good, but i think, mostly is bad.

why? because it's human nature. it's human nature to notice the weakness of people and ignore the strengths. it's human nature to highlight and exaggerate and magnify it 10 times, of other people's weaknesses.

why? in my humble opinion, i think it is because most people want to feel superior, thus will try to diminish others by only noticing their weakness.

however, i think this is a wrong strategy for them to become superior/better/whatever, as you can only become better when you feel threatened/motivated by others' greatness.

my theory may be wrong. but i have another theory. when people starts bitching about you, it means that you are doing great and they are actually envious about your success.

to me, i will always notice others' strengths but, due to pride, find it hard to acknowledge it to others. thus, you'll hardly find me saying words of praises to people. at the same time, i hardly bitch about someone, unless i have an intense hatred against that person.

yeah, i am that egoistic. i'm almost like a man. *shivers in disgust*

and yeah, i admit, being egoistic is also a weakness.

and i know, my back is full of holes.

my beloved pet died

2007-06-06T19:38:00.000+08:00

oh, no! my tamagotchi died. sadness. i neglected him for these 2 days only and he died on me. how ungrateful. to think of the time that i spent feeding, cleaning, playing with him. now i have to start all over. and that damn fella doesn't want to go to school. wait, let me teach him a lesson first!

my first tuesday

2007-06-06T14:16:00.000+08:00

the moment i reached the church, i was late (10minutes). as i walked up the stairs, all kind of thoughts were flying through my head. who will i be meeting, what do i need to say, where is the entrance. luckily, stephen was there with me. i felt somewhat calmer with him beside me.

i saw a lot of RCIA signboard around; navigating us, newcomers to the room. i saw a few people, sitting at the counter, welcoming us, and registering us. I was given a name tag, the white sticker with your name written on it sort. once registered, i walked slowly to the entrance, guessing the door by the sounds of singing coming out of it.

they were singing a hymn, of which i do not know the title. i was just in time to sing another 2 hymns. it's really astonishing how hymns could reach out and touch your heart. the feelings that you experienced when you listen/sing hymns are really overwhelming. all sorts of different feelings, a kaleidescope of feelings, hmm how do you describe it?

next, Father Martin gave a welcome speech. he was really honest and straightforward regarding his grasp of the English language. i felt so humbled by him. followed by an introduction of the RCIA, its history, what to expect, and the whole journey by michael. to be honest, that part was slightly boring. then michael introduced all of the facilitators and those that are involved in the RCIA.

the next part was a sharing of journey/experience from two graduates.. from 2006 RCIA. that was enlightening and entertaining. the speaker was.... humorous and gave a really well speech. i found it a pleasure to listen to his story. what he described.. somehow was similar to what i felt and what i experienced in the past.

after the two sharings, came a slide show of past year RCIA, pictures of their activities, their joy, their entire journey from June 2006 till April 2007.

the night ended with some food, as always, Malaysians simply love their food.

it was not as bad as i thought it would be. i hope it will be as interesting, if not even better, next tuesday.

anticipation - mr postman, where are you?

2007-06-06T12:56:00.000+08:00

i'm waiting for the postman. he'll be my favourite visitor for the day. why? cause i ordered a pair of shoes online. and i can't wait to see it. it's a pink polka dot wedges. it's so girlish that i can almost feel the whoop of joy when i think of it. it's so girlish, maybe when i put it on, i'll dress extra feminine and make up extra girlish. i think i need to purchase a matching hairband and handbag to go with it. *wheee!!!*

this will be my first time of purchasing stuff online. well, buying movie tickets online does not count! let's just hope it's a pleasant experience else i might just swear off online shopping for a long time.

nowadays, i seemed to be on a shopping spree. i kept buying stuff. i feel like buying more makeup to beautify myself. i feel like buying a new facial care line to take care of my face. i feel like buying more clothes to give my wardrobe a breath of fresh air as it kinda looking stale lately. i feel like buying more handbags as i feel that i do not have enough bags for different occasions. but but all these require money. even if i have the money to buy, i may not have place to store it. *sigh*

i'm bored. even bored of looking at my picture that used to be posted at this blog, thus i decided to change the picture. once i changed the picture, i realized that i'm bored of the layout colors and theme also. so i changed that too. and when i changed those, i realize some of my widgets does not match the new layout and color. thus, i delete or changed them. final result, my blog experienced some major revamp.

i even feel like changing more stuffs and making it look more attractive. alas, i do not have the time. perhaps, i will do it when i have the time. but knowing me, the master of all procrastinator, that day is most probably not going to happen anytime soon or if at all. LOL

some comments please.. which do you prefer, the new blog or the old one? anything that i can do to enhance it further? pray tell.

an idle mind is a devil's playground

2007-06-05T17:25:00.000+08:00

yes, it sure is. cause i'm so free, i'm beginning to do nonsense and write nonsense and think of nonsense. bad bad bad.

i'm supposed to be busy. but somehow, i am free now. i wonder why? is it because of my efficiency? or because i am too new and my senior is too busy to delegate extra tasks to me and train me to do it? hmm. point to ponder upon.

last week and a couple of weeks back, i hardly update my blog. as i was BUSY. and my friend John complaint that he has no reading material. is it sufficient now? or is this all crappy and need to be more interesting?

ooh. another update in my working life. as i changed my position from regional business development to project management office, i switched my cubicle too. hehe. now i am seated a couple of seats a way from my old seat. i am still getting used to it as this seat is also very open and a lot of people pass by my seat. damn, lack of privacy. need to be more attentive to who is passing by and who is noticing my screen. LOL. each time i come back from the loo and enter the office, i keep forgetting that i changed seats and kept walking to my old seat. *hehe*

i am so into cam-whoring nowadays. yesterday i snap dozens of pictures of myself. using my W850i and was playing with Stephen's new baby, K810i. i have yet to upload the pictures to my laptop. please be patient, guys. *cam-whore alert!*

on a brighter note, i believe that all of you know that i want to purchase a car.... and have been looking for one that fits my budget and taste. lol. i read news about the locally assembled Suzuki Swift to be priced at RM60k to RM65k. yeah, kinda expensive, i admit. but who knows, perhaps *hoping against all hopes* that it will be priced even cheaper? or maybe it will place some pressure to Perodua and Proton to lower their prices? *i'm keeping my fingers crossed*

ooh. tonight is my first class for RCIA. i'm kinda nervous. yeah, stephen's going to be my sponsor. so, problem solved. but tonight he will be late for the class, so i will enter the class alone. *sweat* it's like the first day of school!

i have to stop writing long winded post, as i noticed my friends are really lazy to read long post. then if no one reads it, why am i writing? waste my effort! ok, to stop it from being too long, i shall stop here now. ta!

45 of the most random things you probably never ever need to know about me

2007-06-05T16:45:00.000+08:00

whats your name spelt backwards?: nyrhtac
What did you do last night?: sleep
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: my pictures
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?: of course NOT
Last time you swam in a pool?: hmm. last year august, in jakarta
What are you wearing?: purple turtle neck and a black pencil skirt
How many cars have you owned?: nada
Type of music you dislike most?: those that gives me a headache
Are you registered to vote?: ekeke. *blushes* i haven't register yet.
Do you have cable?: cable? astro? yeah.
What kind of computer do you use?: erm. a notebook.
Ever made a prank phone call?: of course.
You like anyone right now?: yeah, all my friends
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: NO to both, i am afraid of heights
Furthest place you ever traveled?: well, this is embarrasing. Bangkok.
What's your favorite comic strip?: definitely not Garfield. shou! ld be the Malaysian Lat\'s Kampung Boy
Do u know all the words to the national anthem?: Yeah. I'm a good Malaysian
Shower, morning or night?: huh? Both la.
Best movie you've seen in the past month?: Pirates of the Caribbean 3
Favorite pizza toppings?: Crabstick
Chips or popcorn?: Chips
What cell phone provider do you have?: Maxis
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: What?
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: Nope. I don't have the guts to be publicly humiliated.
Orange Juice or apple?: Orange Juice
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?: Ilin and Pheng
favorite chocolate bar?: Cadbury?
Who is your longest friend and how long?: Desiree. 21-22 Years
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: erm. Sunday I guess.
Have you ever won a trophy?: Yeah. For playing with Lego
Favorite arcade game?: Should be Bubble Bubble
Ever ordered from an infomercial?: Nope. Not Yet
Sprite or 7-UP?! : Sprite
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?: Yes.
Last thing you bought at Walgreens?: Not applicable to Malaysian like me.
Ever thrown up in public?: Yes lotsa times. In front of Zouk, At Telawi street Bangsar, At Cameron Highlands Bus Station
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: hmm, that's a hard one.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: no. love at first sight is more of an attraction/infatuation/crush which develops into love
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?: Jimmy Neutron
Did you have long hair as a young kid?: No, really short hair
What message is on your voicemail machine?: Maxis Standard Voicemail Message
Where would you like to go right now?: New York
Whats the name of your pet?: I don't have a pet. Does a Tamagotchi count? It's called Baby
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?: I don't have a backpack now.
What do you think about most?: Losing 10kgs.

Random Thought Provokers

2007-06-05T16:35:00.000+08:00

What makes you laugh?:	A Good Comedy/Tickle
Who is your hero?:	My Father
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?:	Stephen
How many pairs of shoes do you own?:	erm.. 10?
Seriously... Where does the other sock end up?:	i hardly wear socks... cause i don't wear sneakers
Who do you blame for your mood today?:	no one.. i'm having a great day so far.
If the Internet were sex... I would:	be a nympho. i can't live without the internet
Have you ever seen a dead body?:	nope. and i dont ever want to see one.
What is something scientists need to invent?:	a Food Making Machine - Think of any type of Food and it will cook it. Yahoo!
What should we do with stupid people?:	we should send them off to an island. lol. an island-full of them! tourist attraction wey!
Have you ever broken a bone?:	so far, nope!
Do you watch local news? Why?:	no. i hardly watch the tv.
What happens after you die?:	i hope i will go to Heaven.
How big is your bed? Big enough?:	nope. i need a king size one.
How long do you think you will live?:	i hope as long as it can be, and better still, my looks/body will not look aged, remains 18 forever.

oh no!

2007-06-04T17:56:00.000+08:00

darn! my ears are itchy. and red. and hot. they sting.

i hope it's not an allergic reaction towards my new huge white earrings.

if it is, this will be the first time my ears are allergic to earrings.

please make it stop itching! OUCH!

accident!

2007-06-04T09:59:00.000+08:00

sigh.

i accidentally bought an expensive top.

gosh. when i actually have to fork out the money, i can feel the heart ache.

yesterday, i went shopping in one utama. didn't plan to buy anything but, as i walked pass G2000, i saw there was a sale going on. so i went in, and grab a few tops.

i wanted to buy 2 similar tops. the price tag stated rm69, or so i thought. when i walk to the counter, i asked for new ones. i didn't buy one of the tops as they only have the display one and it has a stain. so i only took the other one and went to pay. OMG, the price stated at the cashier was rm169. i didn't want to say, "i don't want it now" as there were a lot of people standing nearby me.

because of my pride and ego, i forced myself to buy it. *heartache*

guys, you better say i look good when i wear it!

*psst: give you a clue, it's a black top with white lace.*

every tuesdays 8pm to 10pm

2007-06-01T14:21:00.000+08:00

RCIA. I will be there. Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults.

I'm on my way to become a Catholic. i'll be starting my journey next Tuesday, 5th of June 2007. The classes will end somewhere in April 2008. Then, I'll finally be a Catholic.

For those that do not know this about me, I have been going to church since....... 2004. Well, I feel calmer when I'm in the church. I feel more at peace with myself.

But to tell you honestly, at first, when I feel lost or in need of help, when someone asked me to pray, I would be skeptical. I will just pray just for the sake of following instructions, instead of really believing in it. In my heart, I would be wondering what's the point in doing so, cause if every time I pray to God and my prayers are answered, then I'll be a millionaire by now.

However, I noticed that, I really started believing in 2005. My skepticism slowly faded away. I started praying and believing that whatever happens, it will be a test for me to be a better person. I started believing that God is there for me all the time, and I just need to pray.

Now, whenever my close friends are at a dilemma, I'll advice them to pray. But I know that they will give me the same response as I had given to the person that asked me to pray for the very first time. I hope they (my friends) will find their faith too, someday.

Well, I am looking forward to the course. and I'm looking for a sponsor. Anyone?

Des volunteered but I do not want to trouble her as she works long hours and she stays far away, in Shah Alam. But, I do look forward spending time with her each Tuesday, before the class starts. We can have dinner together.

However, can I be so selfish and trouble her? I don't know. I'll try to find others. If I really can't find one, then I guess I have no choice but to trouble her.

I gotta go. It's getting late. It's almost 7pm now.

Good night.

and

God bless.

deep within me

2007-05-28T14:45:00.000+08:00

i have a perpetual fear of aging. i am afraid that time is running out and i will not be able to achieve my dreams. what if i turn out to be a failure? NO!!!!! i do not want that to happen.

i am afraid that i will make the wrong decisions and end up...... being a nobody. i want a career and a successful one at that. it's funny how i fear ending up poor more than i fear choosing the wrong person to marry. it's really weird how i fear not having a successful career more than i fear not having someone to love me.

oh please, don't get me wrong. i do fear marrying the wrong person. i do fear not having someone to love me. of course i do! but i kinda fear not making something out of myself more. i fear being a failure more.

i am so afraid of becoming a nobody. someone that people will not look up to. i am so afraid of people looking down on me. i'm so afraid of having people not respecting me.

i am always wondering, when will it be the right time for me to change jobs, what will be the right kind of job for me, what can i do to earn more and achieve more, what kind of certification i should have to boost my price in the career market, what kinda skill should i have, etc...

it's such a frightening thought, that any wrong step might hinder/delay my progress with my career. it's not like playing games... where you can restart any time if your mission gone wrong... i feel.... to make the best out of it, you'll only have one chance. either you make it or you don't.

i cannot CANNOT go blindly in my career path.. hmm.. time to think more.

gosh, why can't i remain 23 forever? then i will have extra time to plan/redo my career. sigh.

disheartening news

2007-05-25T10:01:00.000+08:00

i'm being emotional again. my mood is swinging up and down. how is it that when your life seems to be where it's supposed to be that suddenly because of certain things, it turns as gloomy as a rainy day?

i don't want this to happen. i don't want it. yet i am incapable of preventing it. should i be bothered by it? yes, of course. should i stop being bothered by it? definitely so. but matters of the heart is not that easy controlled. Ms Heart never wants to listen to Mr Brain.

just.. try... to... be responsible, brother.

`nuff said.

here's to all of you! thanks!

2007-05-22T10:44:00.001+08:00

Happy 23rd Birthday!
Gosh, I'm old.
Dear friends, thanks for coming.
I know I suck at making that speech.
But I am shy (Yes, I am!)
and
I do not know how to express myself in front of so many eyes.
I guess, for the many years that you know me,
you'll know how much it meant to me.

1,2,3 BLOW!

take 1 - don't bully me, take 2 - a better shot, take 3 - blurry eye?

Long Long table.....

dear dear friends

the lack of customer service in malaysia

2007-05-21T10:43:00.000+08:00

first and foremost, i believe everyone in Malaysia has experienced bad customer service before. truth be told, customer service in Malaysia is not up to par if compare to other countries. in fact, a lot of companies in Malaysia do not invest much in customer service. we don't need to look far and analyze some big companies. no, sadly, we only need to look at the most basic ones, where sales are made if there is good customer service.

let us take Golden Screen Cinemas, for example. yesterday, i experienced extremely excruciating BAD customer service. i seriously winced in pain when i faced those imbeciles. the story goes like this; i had 2 free tickets to redeem for the Pirates of the Caribbeans 3. i stood in line at the Gold Class ticket counter. please bear in mind that we can buy Gold Class tickets, collect our reservations and online bought ticket, and redeem our vouchers at that BLARDY Gold Class counter. i know this as i have done all of it before. and so, i stood in line, waiting patiently for 15 minutes till it is my turn. when i gave the vouchers to the idiotic ticket seller on duty, he went to 2 other idiotic 'don't know what their post' GSC staff and stood there discussing. OMG. why the marketing & promotions department didn't inform them? where is the co-ordination?

ok, for that moment, i was just annoyed about their lack of knowledge. after 10 minutes of discussing, asking one person to the other, that idiotic ticket sellar came back and told me, yeah the vouchers are valid. "DUH! the blardy vouchers are specifically for the Pirates of the Caribbeans and it's from OCBC!" anyway, he said, "sorry, you have to redeem this at the other counter as this counter is for GOLD CLASS ticket ONLY." and so, i stood there arguing with him and the other idiot who i don't know what his position is. i said,"why can't i redeem it here since i've did that before?" he said,"oh, normally you can't but i would allow it for this time, but you have to line up again." by that time, i was already going to explode. that IDIOT asked me to give way to people when he wants to talk to me. FINE. but now, after talking, he's asking me to QUEUE up again? *&amp;amp;#$##%%@ ^#^%&%^&^ to cut the long story short, i QUEUED up AGAIN, as, Stephen asked me not to argue with them because it's pointless talking to imbeciles and also because the line was short. IDIOTS IDIOTS. why ask me to line up again when it's because of your incompetencies that i gave up my line? now, i want to shout, "GSC's CUSTOMER SERVICE sucks!"

here's an example of BAD customer service from a BIG company.

MAXIS - the number one telecommunication company in Malaysia. Stephen had an appointment with MAXIS to install wireless broadband in his house. the agreed time was 11am on Sunday. so we waited till 12.15. no one called, no one came. Stephen then called MAXIS and inquire about it. the person said, "oh, the time will be 12 to 1.". Stephen asked, "can you please call the vendor and ask him where he is or perhaps you can pass me the number?". MAXIS customer service said, "sorry, i can't call them. and i don't have their number. the vendor will call you" HUH??? ok, fine. we waited till 1 plus. and no one came, no one called. Stephen called MAXIS again. this time, MAXIS CS said he will call the vendor. OMG, then why earlier you can't call? IDIOTS, i tell you. REAL IDIOTS. so the vendor called Stephen after Maxis called him, "sorry, i can't come now. can i come tomorrow?" OMG. by this time, i can almost strangle them. "Of course you can't come tomorrow. I arranged this time because I won't be in on weekdays.". So MR Irresponsible Vendor said, "oh, then i will come at 4.30pm. I'll call you!". Ok, fine. We decided not to wait at home for this useless buggers, so we went out to One U. at 4.30, no one called, and no one came to the house. stephen called MAXIS AGAIN because VENDOR's HP is switched OFF!!!!! this time, MAXIS said he will try to trace the VENDOR and call back. so MAXIS called back 30 minutes later. Said the Vendor will be coming and calling. Yeah, right. Vendor called, "i'm sorry, i couldn't come earlier cause it was raining. i'm coming now." TIME WAS 7.00PM. when he came, asked him some questions regarding the connection and he mumbled incoherent answers and was evading it, trying his best not to answer. WELL DONE, MAXIS. WELL DONE for HIRING such IRRESPONSIBLE idiots to represent you!

i would like to end my whining and excessive anger here by saying, "Malaysia Boleh!". Even with bad customer service, those companies still excel. why you ask? perhaps, the reason is because most Malaysians have this "tidak apa" attitude. *tidak apa means anything goes* Please, don't you all realize how important customer service is? do you know how many fine lines and wrinkles my face will have because of these imbeciles angering me? OMG. People, learn your rights. We have the right to be treated fairly, responsibly and respectfully. We have the right to expect for more than just this rubbish which they claim is CUSTOMER SERVICE.

guilty! as charged!

2007-05-18T14:31:00.000+08:00

*cathryn's head is bowed down. too ashamed to look up*

sigh. there goes my 5 days! i could not stand it anymore and i succumb to temptations and cravings. i smoke! bad bad...

what happened to my discipline? sigh. i need to start all over again. restart the counter!

it's like being on a diet program. i always lack that...... kind of.... discipline/commitment/will power. always restarting my diet program. it's no wonder that i can't go down to 42kgs.

after 5 days of not smoking, i actually put on weight. that is bad. really bad. i'm afraid. need to handle my appetite for food and cigarette at the same time. i think i'm more afraid of putting on weight than to smoking. gosh! i sound like i care more of my appearance than my health!

i think what i'll miss most about smoking is when i'm having coffee in Starbucks/Coffee Bean/Dome. Seriously, coffee and cigarette really goes well together.

on a bright note, today is Friday! TGIF!!!!!!!!!

i love weekends! happiness! please please, no more temptations please.

i am not that strong. really. so - don't - tempt - me !

day 5 - missing you missing you and a new addiction

2007-05-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

~~i miss you like crazy, even more than words can say, i miss you like crazy, every minute of everyday~~

sigh. can i go for a puff? just a little bit?

ok ok, have to stop this. stop. STOP!!!!

i will think of other things. happy thoughts happy thoughts!

when i first announced to all my friends last saturday that i am quitting, the response i received was, "yeah right, we shall see." wah. so supportive. well, i admit that in the past, i had fail.. and kept on smoking. but this time... i hope it's different? i am keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes held up high.

i have a new addiction. i am so in love with Anna Sui - Secret Wish Magic Romance perfume.

hmm.. yummy.. the smell is so... delicious! it's even more delicious than DKNY's delicious. i just can't get enough of it. hmm.... after i bought it recently, i have been using it day and night.... makes me smell so yummy, that it gives me the shivers. oooh la la. trust me, it's superb, fantastic and it lifts my spirits up. but, it's not a seductive kind of smell though. it's a happy yummy smell. hmm... i simply am in love with it.

5th day of saying bye bye to my bestie, my mood swings from high to low anytime. although i'll miss you, but i hope i will not depend on you. so, all the best! i hope i can last.

4th day and cranky

2007-05-16T10:48:00.000+08:00

it's the 4th day and i'm still longing for a puff. been eating so much that i can't believe it. it's so hard to control my appetite.

yesterday i went to Madam Kwan's, Mid Valley for dinner. very very fattening. the dinner menu was:-

fish head curry
kangkung belachan
sambal ikan bilis
claypot seafood beancurd
sweet and sour chicken
nasi bojari
cendhol
ice lemon tea

by the rate i'm going, i'll balloon up into a pumpkin by June. *sweat*

sometimes i wonder whether someone is blind. it's pretty obvious that girl is plump/fat/whatever but that someone says that she is not, yet says that I am. why is that so? damn geram, you know. i simply find that offensive and BLIND. buy you specs to wear la, so that you can see properly! either that, or LASIK also can la!

i'm cranky. i wonder too, why is it my job to remind people to do their job? why in the hell can't they be more responsible and do it themselves? why do i need to blardy do a list for her, what is needed of her, and calls her to remind her? why is email not enough? is it because you can just pretend you didn't receive that email thus you can get away with not doing the task? and you can't pretend you don't know about the task because i called you and talked to you on the phone? is that why i need to call you every time? yeah, yeah, my job is to follow up on people and monitor them, making sure that she/he is doing her/his job. i'm like a nanny/kindergarten teacher.

and i can't believe my current wants that are floating in my head now. i am SOOOOOO materialistic. why do i need such stuffs for? whatever for? satisfaction? or just to waste money? random info, my credit card expenses are at its limit.

jason is going to bangkok tomorrow. i am so envious. i want to go shopping and explore bangkok too. it has been 3 years since i last went there.
mabel is going to singapore in june. i want to go to singapore too.
i have not even been to Penang before. Not even Ipoh. gosh, this is pathetic. how pathetic can i get?
i was reading kennysia today. i want to climb mount kinabalu too!
i want a car. not just any car, but at least, a toyota. why? i don't know. i'm just being materialistic and cranky.
i want to have lunch with my friends, like the good old days of college. i miss college. i miss being able to smoke (yeah only me smoke among them) and bullshit with them.
i want a smoke. i feel so cranky. cranky cranky. cranky is the theme for today.

yes, this is a bitching post. i am bitching, whining, complaining, whatever la!

i want to curse. i want to swear. in my mind, i'm cursing in cantonese. very unladylike ar? whatever la!

kalau tak suka, jangan baca la. saya tengah frus sekarang. frus tau? tau tak? hari ini, jangan cari pasal dengan saya.

i will bite, i will snap, i will scream, i will punch you right at the eye. this is how frustrated/cranky i am.

i think i got off at the wrong side of the bed. eh, nope, sorry, i only can get off at one side. maybe i angin today. don't play play!

3rd day - will I survive?

2007-05-15T10:28:00.000+08:00

3rd day without my favourite companion. ouch! i'm getting a headache. i'm eating more. darn! will i become a fat pig by end of this quitting program? my pants.. are getting tighter again. sheeetttt!

huffing and puffing. dragging it. oh gosh. every minute every second, i'm longing for it.

i have decided, once i reach the one month mark, i will reward myself with something. a dress maybe? spa? facial? hmm. a Coach bag? kekekeke.... darn it, i'm wasting money again.

ok. shall need to budget it. my reward can be no more than RM200. erm, then maybe no spa.

omg! i sound like a drug addict......

dear God, please give me the strength to pull this through. and please give me the determination to not put on weight although i quit smoking. please please please. i can't bear it.

anyone up for a jog/walk saturday morning, 7 am? call me.

here's to a healthier me!

the aftermath

2007-05-14T10:39:00.000+08:00

my birthday dinner has come and go. i will post the pictures of it later. i haven't upload it to my laptop yet.

thanks guys! for coming! thanks for the presents! and most importantly, for the company!

now, i am no longer allowed to smoke. sigh. today is my second day without a smoke. withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. i miss it. i miss inhaling it. i miss holding it in my fingers. my mouth feels stale without it. i feel lost but i must overcome this!

i don't want to be dependent on cigarettes. help! my mind keeps on thinking about getting a smoke. hmm, does chewing gum help?

any suggestion to kick this habit far far away?

btw, is shisha another form of smoking?

my birthday my birthday

2007-05-09T14:43:00.000+08:00

surprise! i found a present on the chair when i woke up! hehe.. i so hearts it!!!!!! thank you... muacks! a really pleasant surprise!

everyone at work, well at least those sitting nearby me, wished me happy burfday! and gave me *hugs*. "leap of joy"

and made me so embarrassed, cause they played a happy birthday song!.... embarrassed but happy!

then my colleagues belanja lunch! thank you!!! arigato!

hmm. what about tonight? anymore surprises?? hehehehehe

Turning 23

2007-05-08T22:25:00.000+08:00

I'll be 23 in 1 hour 30 minutes time. I wonder what life has in store for me at 23. How much will I mature and grow?

Gosh, there's too many things in my mind right now. I can't write properly. Been experiencing this block since a couple of weeks ago. Thus, my lack of posting.

What do I have to say? Birthday is just another day, right? Age is just digits and numbers right?

Recently, at work, so many things happened. I realize that through out this 7 months of working with my team, I have learn to appreciate and cherish them. That, at least, in my opinion, we are a team. Now, I will start with a new team, and I hope, things will be for the better.

I hope I will learn more things and be a more capable person at work.

At 23, I hope to learn how to be more understanding and patient. To learn how to handle things maturely.

I hope each year represents something to me. That when I look back, I would think that I did not waste that year away.

23, here I come!

to be cruel to be kind

2007-05-02T10:14:00.000+08:00

gosh, it's hard. it's easier said than done. who would have thought that being nasty is hard? especially to a loved one. believe me, it's all for your own good. i just want you to be able to stand on your own two feet especially at your age. i can't keep on helping you each time you run into some problem. if i help you now, indirectly, i will be destroying you. i don't want that to happen. please, learn from your mistakes. it's about time to grow up.

sigh. i feel sad seeing you like this. it is not easy doing nothing to help you now but it's for the best. do not think that i don't care, brother. i do.

someone else

2007-04-28T00:34:00.000+08:00

do you ever wish that you are someone else? do you ever wonder how is it like to be someone else? well, i do. as i walk down the street, i wonder what is that person thinking, what is her story, how's her life's like, and i wish for a second that i can be her for a day.

i am always curious. curious about many things. perhaps, some things that i shouldn't be even thinking about. maybe, this is why i am eccentric or you can say odd.

i wish that i have the power. THE power that allows me to be someone else for a day or two. i will like to try living a lot of people's life. i also wish that i am able to experience life of a different time. not now, but a century ago, or a decade ago, perhaps even longer.

i wish to know how different others think. i wish to know what they feel and how they behave or react. i wish to know whether the colors that i see now, the color that i call red, is the same as the color called red for another person. i wish to look through their eyes, to experience life differently, from what i am currently experiencing. i wish to know what makes them tick, what makes them happy and how emotions feel like, when i am them..

is it the same, i wonder? is it different for each of us?

i want to feel how a different body feels, i want to know how it feels to have different blood flowing in my veins.

but surprisingly, each time i wonder, how it feels to be that person, it will always be a she. never in my mind, did i ever wish to try how it feels to be a he.

i wonder how it will be to have a different background, to come from a different financial state, to look different and have a different group of friends. i wonder and i wonder.

if i ever get the chance, i wonder too, whether i will learn a lot from it, and whether i will wish that i never get the chance to try.

being me, is weird.

the ring on the finger

2007-04-27T09:35:00.000+08:00

what does it mean? commitment? a warning to others? a bait to get others? or a symbol of love?
do you want one? the ring on the finger...

just a thought that flashed through my mind when i was commuting. i had a seat. right in front of me was a man. he was wearing a simple wedding band.

there are many stories regarding the commitment of marriage. some are good, some are bad. this makes me think. a lot.

can you tolerate infidelity? can you tolerate the lack of commitment? can you pretend you don't know when you do? can you share?

can you? i know i can't.

and it comes to a point where i think, will i ever be a third party? a home wrecker? i hope not.

what was she (home wrecker) thinking? how does she feel? does she know she will be branded as that woman? that husband snatching woman? that cheap woman? what goes on in her mind?

i am intrigued.

Waiting here, nothing to do but to fiddle with my phone functions to blog

2007-04-24T19:12:00.000+08:00

My office entrance. So dark... Gosh, i damn mou liu. Faster, ask me to balik rumah!!

Vacancies Available: Software Engineer & Technical Support

2007-04-24T14:42:00.000+08:00

SOFTWARE ENGINEER - 3 vacancies
RESPONSIBILITIES
- participates in all various stages of software development.
- deliver well implemented applications.
- solve technical problems that arise.
- research in new technologies.
- work closely with IT project managers, DBA, Business & Marketing Consultants, External clients.
- must be able to provide support during non-office hours.

REQUIREMENT
- Years of experience needed: at least 1 year involving hard-core programming.
- Qualifications: BSc Computer Science or relevant IT degrees.
- Experience needed: .NET programming language, Java, C++ would be an advantage.
- Knowledge on Service Oriented Architecture & Web services.

TECHNICAL SUPPORT (24/7) - 4 vacancies
RESPONSIBILITIES
- handles customer's enquiry either phone, email or face-to-face.
- conducts network & application monitoring and troubleshooting.
- diagnose hardware & application faults and solves technical problems.
- ability to think analytically and work independently.
- has good interpersonal skills.
- willing to work shifts.

REQUIREMENT
- Years of experience needed: at least 1 year relevant industry experience
- Qualifications: Diploma/BSc Computer Science or relevant IT degrees
- Experience needed: Network monitoring and troubleshooting skills, tolerates high pressure from demanding clients, passionate about problem identification & fixing.

Hehe, Posting an advert here. Is for my company. Anyone interested, please send your CV to cathryn.belle@gmail.com. I will help forward to my company's CTO. Don't want to post her email address here..... Don't know whether she mind or not, so better play safe, and use my email instead. Btw, we don't mind taking in fresh grads. Guys, please help me ask around. Thanks! *hugs*

to tell or not to tell?

2007-04-23T11:33:00.000+08:00

Today, while in the LRT, I looked in front of me. There was this woman, reading a book about VOIP. She was so engrossed with that book that she didn't realize that I was looking.

Guess what I saw? She didn't zip her pants. It was left open. She only button the only button and didnt zip it.

And so I thought, "Should I tell her? But how?"

Options:-

Stand up and whisper in her ear
Type an SMS and show my handphone to her
Tap on her hand, and point at her zipper.

Ta Dah.. I did non of that and remained silent. Sigh. I really don't know how to tell her. Embarrasing la. And I know I should have told her.

i want MAXIM 2000!

2007-04-19T15:44:00.000+08:00

Someone, please get me this! I so want this! It's somewhat like the "Click" movie. If only relationship is as easy as this! It's like, click, test, don't like, click. Haha. Anyone know where is this selling? Best gift of the year. Would even be funny to have it as a gift even if it doesn't work.

My Confessions

2007-04-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

Girl's Confession
[x] I'm not easy. of course, i'm not! but i know a girl who is.
[x] I do wear make up. every single freakin' day
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look. yeah, told you i am vain!
[ ] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater. But i hide my tears
[x] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend didn't like. Yeah, cause i was feeling childish and wanna spite him.
[ ] I love chocolate covered pretzels
[x] Getting a flower makes me smile, especially for no reason. So, i'm hinting for more flowers here! Hurry, Get me one!
[ ] I've wrecked a car. Sorry, haven't manage to wreck a car yet.. but does a dent count?
[x](I can't put mascara) on without opening my mouth. Yeah, laugh all you want
[x] I'd do anything for a special guy. Ask Him
[x] I love cuddling. Er, depends on with who
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is hot in Pirates of the Carribean. i think he looks like a faggot
[x] I've gotten a detention. yeah. detention. when i was in form 1. cause the idiot teacher was having a bad day and wanted to make my day bad as well.
[ ] I've gotten suspended
[x] I love to laugh. who does not like to laugh, please tell me? i think you might need to check your mental health. of course everyone loves to laugh.
[x] I like rock. depends on how rock is the song.
[x] I like rap. actually depends on my mood.
[x] I like techno. only when i want to numb myself or dance.
[x] I carry a purse. i'm becoming old. i know.
[ ] I've been called a "party". what does this means?
[x] I did own a Spice girls CD. erm. does a spice girl cassette counts?
[x] I did own a Britney Spears CD. erm. i've got her MP3s.
[x] Football isn't boring. When there's a lot of HOT players
[ ] I love athletic boys. i don't know
[ ] I love skater boys. i don't know
[ ] I love ghetto boys. i don't know
[ ] I love emo boys. i don't know. i just don't love boys!
[x] Sweet guys are better than hot guys. of course, but the sweet guys must be ok looking too.
[x] I've been called a tease. not a tease. but flirtatious, yes. By my girlfriends! Muahaha, WTF?
[x] Lip gloss is better than lipstick. i hardly use any lip gloss either. i just leave my lips bare.
[x] I can't leave the house without makeup. erm. yeah. if not, i'll wear a really huge shades.
[ ] I'm a bitch. Deal with it.
[x] I play video games, even when there are other people around. i used to be addicted to games
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me. i place them close to my heart. *here*
[x] I can be crazy. sometimes i am so crazy that no one can stand me.
[x] I really want to be with a certain someone right now. hehe. who doesn't?
[x] I smoke way too much. yes, i WANNA QUIT! HELP!
[x] I have a tattoo or I want one. i used to want one, very long ago. but now, i don't think so.
[ ] I have been to more than 5 concerts. i've never been to a concert. rather sad, ain't it?

Postponed

2007-04-17T14:40:00.000+08:00

everything is postponed. my timeline...... sh*t! everything will be overdue! OMG. damn it! $%@#$%&*&(%^$#$#$%$!%%$&^&^&$#@&^*()(@$#! OMG OMG! timeline bombed!

panic strikes! *sweat* *cathryn jumping up and down hysterically and end up tripping herself and bumped her head*

i shall cross my fingers and hope for the best!

my pretty friends and me!

2007-04-16T09:19:00.000+08:00

*Tah Dah! Me!* Fatter I know

*Muacks, Yan Chun*
she's my Pillar of Strength.

*Pretty Hui Ling, Thank you! i'm touched by you*
she's like my guardian angel..

*Gorgeous Mabel - i hearts you!*
I think she look absolutely sweet and pretty here,
don't know why she says she looks horrible in this picture.

the easiest way out

2007-04-15T12:18:00.000+08:00

let's just agree to disagree. i agree it is hard. i agree there's no point. i agree it shouldn't be so hard. i agree with the hatred. i agree with the incompatibility. i agree that our views are different. I agree that we cannot achieve what it is expected.

i finally agree to disagree. i no longer want you to understand or look at my point of view as i know you won't be able to and i know it is hard for you. it is also hard for me. thus, let's just agree to disagree.

let me vent let me vent let me let it out

2007-04-13T14:52:00.000+08:00

there's a void in my heart, needing to be filled. begging to be filled. my heart said to me, she is lonely. the void is making her cold. can't i provide any warmth, she asked. my dear heart, it's not that i don't want to do it, i can't. i am helpless.

she said, "why? why can't you? all i can feel is bitterness. all i can feel is hopelessness. all i can feel is hurt. all i can feel is disappointments. all i can feel is anxiety. all i can feel is a sense of dread. why? stop hurting me! stop all these feelings. it's not good for me. can't you see? i'm freezing. i'm fading away......"

dear heart, dear dear heart,

be strong. be patient. believe me, trust in me, this will pass. have faith. 'cause, if you fade away, i will fade away too. so please don't leave me, dear heart.

aaarrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... let me vent let me vent let me let it out
stop this stop this stop this stop this! listen to me! listen to me! i am pleading.

i have feelings. i am human. i bleed too. there's just so much that i can take. your words pierced into my heart, as sharp as a blade. at first there was only a trickle of blood.. slowly, it turned into a stream, later it became a river.

life is good because...

2007-04-13T11:42:00.000+08:00

thanks jason for caring and giving me a topic to write about. let me start. need to think long and hard.

life is good because.....

God gave me a chance to keep trying as I am still alive
I am still young and has a tad more time to err
I am financially independent since I was 21
I finished my Degree when I was 21
my mum loves me so much
I have a boss that is willing to teach and guide me
I am not ugly
I have a lot of friends who care
all my body parts are still attached and functioning
I am not obese
I have all my teeth (yes, one wisdom tooth is missing but that doesn't count!)
I can sing decently (I mean at least not really that annoying la, still can follow tune)
I can hear although my left ear is slightly 'cacat' (can't listen to loud sounds, it will vibrate)
I am lucky when it comes to studies
most of the time, I am not intimidated by people
I am kind (it is easier to be kind to people than to be nasty and cruel)
I am still able to feel. It lets me know that my heart is still here, with me.

Dear God,

I will count my blessings daily and realize how fortunate I am. I will learn to be satisfied and be happy with what I have. I will not let small matters and unappreciative people to pull me down. Please guide me and give me the strength to pull it through. Thank you.

Amen.

a game of 'if i am'

2007-04-12T10:42:00.000+08:00

if i am rich, the world would just be a major shopping mall to me
if i am thin, nasty comments would not be thrown at my way
if i am gorgeous, my confidence level will reach the sky
if i am tall, i would need to look down when i talk to people
if i am 11, i would tell my father that i love him the most and ask him not to go away
if i am someone's wife, i would be faithful and supportive
if i am someone's mother, i would cherish the moments of him/her as a baby
if i am dead, i believe there's a couple of people would be damn happy
if i am 16, i would concentrate on my studies and spend time with my friends
if i am happy, life would seem so perfect
if i am sad, tears would roll down my cheeks like little streams
if i am wicked, i will do everything in my power to make those that betray me suffer (but lucky for them, i'm not wicked)

Regret & Remorse

2007-04-12T09:34:00.000+08:00

regret and remorse are 2 worse feelings you can ever feel. as a person, you need to think hard of what is the next step in your life. even so, sometimes you can't help making mistakes. you'll be left wondering what did you do wrong. why has it become a regret since you have thought about it long and hard. why the action/decision that you thought was right is actually wrong? you made the decision rationally and logically, weighing its pros and cons, thinking of the aftermath, of what will happen if i did this or that and yet it has become a regret.

life is just like that. you can never avoid making mistakes. at some point in your life, you'll definitely feel regret and remorse, at least once in your lifetime. and when the time comes, all that's left are just your tears and endless whys. tears of bitter disappointments and failures. tears of lost hopes and lost faith.

in theory, you can't just sit down and keep on crying. you need to stand up again, and continue with living. life, is just one take. you can never rewrite your past nor can you avoid making mistakes. you have to keep on going. but, as i said, it's just a theory.

in reality, you might just end up feeling crushed and broken. you might even never be able to stand up again. you might even never able to have the same faith or optimism. you may be cynical, bitter and not willing to trust people ever again. it really depends on how strong the person is and how bad the mistake is. it also depends on the person's character. perhaps, if the person is forgiving and trusting enough, he or she may still remain the same.

sometimes, at the very end, it is better to just let go as everything and everyone will need to leave someday anyway. as you think of it, why bother? since everything will disintegrate...

ashes to ashes, dust to dust. a lifetime of regret and remorse....

Happy Belated Birthday, Dear Anand!

2007-04-10T22:37:00.000+08:00

Dear Anand,

Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry that I wish you abit too late.... but better late than never right? Through out the years that I know you, I would like to say, I am proud to have you as a friend. Well, you'll be my FIRST doctor friend! God knows how hard are those medical papers that you need to pass. And the stress that you go through when you study for them. Yet you manage to pull through and withstand the torment and torture of being away from your beloved family and dearest friends *ahem, me, des & carm* while also being in a hostile foreign country.

No matter, we (the three of us) will stand by you and wait for the day you'll be back! *ahem, i can't speak for des and carm but actually i'm waiting for free doctor's consultation, hahaha*

How do I express how much our friendship means to me? I've known you since kindergarden days and have been in the same primary and secondary school. Basically you are like family. I remember playing in my garden with you. I remember listening to you and Des playing the piano. Most of all, I remember how the 3 of you stood by me when everyone else did not.

I cherish the memories of the 4 of us together and here's to a lifetime of our never ending friendship! We will be waiting for you to come back! *Hugs*

the curse of the phlegm

2007-04-09T17:20:00.000+08:00

i am cursed. every time i suffer from a cold and sore throat, the dreaded phlegm would come along. each time i have phlegm, i would suffer from asthma attacks. the phlegm would would somehow block my airway and cause me gasping for air. as far as i recall, this is the only one reason that always cause me to suffer from asthma attacks. which is also why i hate cold and sore throat so much. cause i'm afraid of suffering from another asthma attack again.

right now, i sound like a wheezing old woman with a broken bagpipes stuck in my throat. last night, i broke my clean record. i did not have had any asthma attacks in the past 2 years plus. the curse of the phlegm did it. it made me broke my clean record. last night, i slept with breathing difficulties sounding like a wheezing bagpipe playing all night long. luckily, no one complaint.

aaargggghh! i hate sticky, thick, greenish phlegm. stop sticking to my throat and airway!

excuse me, sir, while i remain silent

2007-04-08T19:12:00.000+08:00

my one and only all time favourite past time, has been taken away from me. i can't talk. oh dear! my throat hurts like hell. i have a major cold. and my phlegm is thick and greenish. i want to talk! damn. i can't not talk. i talk for a living and i talk for entertainment. now, how am i suppose to amuse myself and earn a living?

i hate sore throat. this is the one and only common illness i am afraid the most. plus the combination with the cold, it's my number one enemy. mr doctor, sir, can you please give me an injection to make my sore throat go away? pretty pretty please? and while you are at it, any express way to cure my cold? sigh, excuse me everybody, i need to go visit mr doctor. *fingers crossed for that injection!*

please don't call me 'C'. my name is Cathryn

2007-04-06T11:02:00.000+08:00

what's with people and single letter names? for example, my name is Cathryn and i call myself C. why? why shorten ourselves to just a mere alphabet? then what's the point of us learning how to pronounce? also, there's nothing special calling yourself just C.

or those people are just following those Hollywood celebs... imitating them, trying to sound glamourous and funky? are they just a celeb wannabe? hmmm... but seriously, think about it. why?

imagine if everyone calls themselves A, B, C, D, till Z. since we only have 26 alphabets... i imagine a lot of people with the same alphabet. imagine your friend's alphabet is A and on the streets, when you call him, "A", i think several heads will turn and stare at you, wondering who you are. tsk tsk, not really a nice situation.

and i do think that by limiting yourself to just an alphabet, it is no longer a name. it is just an alphabet. you are no longer named. you are being tag. it's like a robot or an animal or a lifeless object. gosh, even dogs have names!

my current dream

2007-04-03T09:58:00.000+08:00

My current dream is to have an apartment like this, living on my own, in my own home. I would love to have the capability of decorating my own place to stay. That would be nice. The thing is, I can't afford it myself. Unless I get a RM1k pay raise. Or at least another RM500 pay raise. I am so dreaming it now.... that's the life....

Resume/CV

2007-04-02T11:24:00.000+08:00

i was just updating my resume on jobstreet, goofing around when i realized something. how come resumes/CV need to be dusty, stuffy, unoriginal, boring, and formal? why can't i write something totally informal? something that reflects my personality? why must it be something that is similar with millions other CV? tell me tell me tell me why. why can't i write something that is ME? if i am able to write something that is totally me and not risk getting hired, it would be as below:-

Dear future employers,

I am happy that you have taken the time off to read my resume. I am a gal, going to be 23 this year. My birthday would be on May 9th, which I hope you will remember it when the time comes, cause I love to receive gifts. You would not regret interviewing me, cause believe me, you won't be bored. I am kinda like a non-stop talker, which sometimes intimidate people. I am friendly, kind and out-going, thus you don't need to worry about hiring a shy, intimidated introvert who secretly wish for you to die, cause, remember, I am kind.

I am also extremely resourceful or other people might say, graded A in using people, as I am always looking for a solution by asking help from my friends and contacts. I believe in receiving favours and giving them out. I don't mind helping people out as I believe that if you are nice to people, one day, when you need a favour, they won't mind helping you. Well, I admit I have my faults as I am somewhat a person that is honest and straight, thus sometimes I find it hard to think of other ways for something to work. Or maybe, I need a second longer to think.

I am also hardworking, good at taking orders and excellent at giving myself stress to adhere to my deadline. To a certain extend, some people might call me buggy as I always check up on the status to ensure that everything is in place. I hate losing control. I am somewhat a control freak. However, I am quite good in hiding my resentment towards people that I dislike yet have to work with. This is because I believe that it never pays to be mean and unkind. Also, I refuse to be political at work and gossip about people as I am afraid of looking for trouble. I just want things to be nice and simple. My motto is, "I am here to work. Not to create or find trouble.".

My favourite past time would be to shop but unless you give me a nice comfortable salary, I doubt I can do that often. I also love to travel as I find other places and cultures fascinating. This also relies on how much money I'm getting from my future job! Reading is my obsession as I find it relaxing and an escape from this world.

I hold an IT degree which I completed in year 2005. During the course of my degree, I was also working part time. I had dozens of part time jobs, ranging from a promoter, to a telemarketer, a receptionist to a Starbucks barista. So believe me when I say, I am not a newbie to hard work. My first permanent job was as a events organizer. I finish my final papers in November 2005 and in less than a week, I was off working already. I learnt a lot in my time with Crystal Edge, never realizing that I can actually work that much hours without finally succumbing to total exhaustion. People there were nice and friendly. Too bad, my pay that time was too little, else I would have stayed on. Then I went to work as a software engineer, thinking that I should go back to my roots.. my bachelor of IT. After a few months working there and in Jakarta, I realize that the job was too mundane for me. I was not paying attention and basically, it doesn't allow me to do the things I love doing, for example, talking. I wanted more excitement and, some might say, stress in a different way. So here I am, working as a Regional Business Development Consultant. I can say that I talk and chat for work. I've learnt a lot of business terms and processes that I never thought existed before.

I think I better end my CV here before giving too much away. Mysteries always pike people's interest. Come on, call me. You can reach me at 012- 3*****9. Trust me, you won't regret it. I am smart, young, humble, and eager to learn. And remember, no boredom... as there will be a never ending stream of chatter and questions.

Thank you, my future employers. Ciaos!

the feeling that you are above all

2007-03-30T10:40:00.000+08:00

when you feel & know:-

you don't owe anyone anything
you own yourself
you have all the freedom in the world
people are in awe of you
people want to be you
you turn heads
whatever you wear looks good
you know people listen to you when you speak
glamour is your middle name
guys are in queue for dates with you
sexiness is a part of you
all eyes are on you
work is like child's play to you
public speaking is just a norm to you
you would not tolerate bad behaviour
you are the life of whatever party you go to
you would not be push around
you love your body
failure is not in your vocabulary
you are confident enough to talk to strangers
you can flaunt what you got
you don't need to wait for anybody

i'm still waiting for that feeling. and like some people will say, "dream on!".

~nostalgia~

2007-03-29T09:45:00.000+08:00

the moment i reach office... nostalgia strikes. out of nowhere, creeping up on me and catches me unaware. the feeling of longing, of lost friends, of lost youth, of lost happiness, of regrets, of wasted time, of mistakes, of reckless laughter, how i miss it. how i wish and wish and hope and hope that some things, didn't turn out the way it did. how i wish that i cherished those time more and didn't just waste the opportunities away. i miss college days where i had so much time for friends. how i wish that i can continue pull silly and foolish pranks with my friends and laugh so much about it till our tummy ache. i miss having able to think that we have all the time in the world, and that we are young and are allowed to be foolish. although those days, i have little money, but those were the happiest. it doesn't matter whether the sky is bright or dark, we just go on and laugh about life. oh, the recklessness of youth!

the feeling of love, protectiveness, surge up my body, having me wish that i could do more for my dearest pals. when i know of unhappiness, of injustice, of asshole boyfriends, i wish i can put my arms around my dear friend, and tell her everything will be all right. that no matter what, i'll be there for her. it breaks my heart to see my friends sad. believe me, of all people, i know the best how disappointment taste like. how it feels to have your heart trampled and your trust shattered. the bitter taste of having your hope crushed. and the long long lonely nights, even when you are among friends. everyday, you tell yourself that you can do this. that it doesn't matter. lying to yourself, living in denial, when all you want to do is, cry your heart out and hope that one day, the pain will stop. when people surrounding you, tells you that time would heal. that in time you'll be all right. at that moment, it seemed so useless, the advices. back in your head, you understand that time heals all pain, but at that moment, it seemed impossibly so. dear friend, dear dear friend, be strong. pray to God, believe me, He hears it. and i will be here.

i know i know, that i'm not there most of the time for you. in times of laughter, i can't share with you all the time. i know that i'm not the type of friend that has the time to company you to shop or to have a drink, but believe me, in times of tears and sadness, i'll fly to wherever you are. in times when i know you need me the most, i'll rush to your side, bringing chocolates, ice creams, tissues and a shoulder to cry on. it may feel that i neglect you as i always don't have time for you. but, trust me, i'll be there when you need me the most.

i'm sorry if you feel that i'm not a good friend. i'm sorry if i said anything wrong. i'm sorry if i did anything wrong. please understand, that deep in my heart, all of you matters alot to me.

current song that's making me nostalgic:-

Jessica Simpson, I Belong To Me

Oh yeah

It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't want to have you in my life baby
it's just you gotta know that its got to be right baby
before I open up my heart to you
I don't need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
nobody has got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

I gotta let you know before I let you in baby
that who I am is not about who I am with baby
That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you
I do

I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know I give all my love but
I'm not givin' all my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
and if you're gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yeah

Love don't mean changing who you are to be
who somebody wants you to be
nobody has got to belong to nobody

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
my heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I'm one not half of two,
and if your gonna love me
you should know this baby
I belong to me

what is ROI? and a boring post. really boring one.

2007-03-28T09:20:00.000+08:00

dearest mun yee,

for you, i shall explain it here. ROI stands for Return Of Investment. I think you should know what it means without needing me to explain further as you are studying business. hehe. i know that you are a smart girl.

To me, ROI means that the rental of the apartment can cover at least 80% of the installment. And also, easy to rent out. And in later years, i am able to sell the apartment out at a nice price.

ok, enough of talking about ROI. this friday, i'm going out with Hui Ling to KLCC after work. Yippee! fun. hehe. she asked me out shopping but i told her that if i don't reach a target weight, i won't buy anymore clothes.. am sick of having my clothes not fitting.. so tight nowadays.

i'm so hype. i've got a plan for my birthday! i know it's in MAY but.. still.... i need something to cheer me up. will let you know my plan later. gotta ciao.

note: nowadays, i find it so hard to think of what to write. too many thoughts on my mind. and too little time. sometimes my mind is so scattered that i find it hard to even think.

apartment/condos = $$$

2007-03-27T15:10:00.000+08:00

i want to invest in something. so i went scouting for apartments. wow. so expensive. a service apartment near ss2 at 625 square feet with 1+1 room costs rm180K++. a service apartment in plaza damas measuring at 640 square feet with one room, costs RM240k++. a service studio apartment in jalan munshi abdullah measuring at 436 square feet costs RM197k. a condo in jalan kuching with 3 rooms measuring at 1200 square feet costs rm250K++. *sweat*. a service studio apartment in damansara perdana measuring 430 square feet costs rm15ok++. all these headaches!

location matters to me. the size matters too. ROI matters too. what about money! headache ar!

tell me people, where is a good location, nice apartment and good ROI? it's easier to buy a house to stay in, rather than a house to invest in. if i were to buy a house to stay in, it's easy cause i just need to find a location that i like, and the correct size. that's all. i don't need to worry about ROI. sigh.

what about which company is a good developer? what kind of finishing they provide? good quality? bad quality? will the project finish on time?

what about loan? which bank offers the best rates? the best package? OMG. this is so hard. being an adult is so hard!

anyone experienced in this area, please advice me! help help!

am i racist?

2007-03-23T09:39:00.000+08:00

khengsiong left a comment in my last post, asking me whether i'm racist as i mentioned the race of the 2 men i met. no, khengsiong, i am not racist. i was merely describing the guys for the sake of the audience. even if that 2 men is chinese, i would still be afraid of them. why? it's because i'm afraid of the unknown, of strangers. especially when i'm vulnerable, i.e. walking on the streets alone, outside a washroom alone.

fyi, 3 of my bestfriends since way back, are not chinese. my college partner, is not chinese too.

i don't discriminate people by the color of their skin. god knows how much i defend them. when i'm with my friends, i don't separate them by color... in fact, to me, all of them are the same. all i know is, who treat me right and who treat me wrong. those that stands by your side and those that secretly wish for you to die.

heavens forbid, but there are some stupid bitchy manipulative vengeful chinese out there. they use you when you are useful, they laugh with you using your kindness, they plot your downfall and finally they haunt and taunt and laugh at you when you do fall. so? this proves that not everyone of the same race shares the same good qualities and the bad.

yes, on and off, i laugh at some racist joke. on and off, i do agree with some comments. but that doesn't mean i'm racist. i don't believe that in this world, there's actually someone that don't criticize a little on some race. but, when i am face to face to a person, and i talk to him/her, getting to know better, i don't see his/her color. to me, it is our conversation, the way he/she talk and what we talk about, that shows me his/her personality.

besides, i believe racism is the same as shallow people. why? because they divide people by sizes and looks instead of colors of their skin. what's the difference? it is still judging a person before you know them.

i live by the phrase, "don't judge a book by its cover". because, those bitches out there, hides underneath a facade of friendly sweet young things.

paranoia

2007-03-22T11:14:00.000+08:00

i noticed that i have changed. i am not the person i used to be. i used to be able to help strangers on the street. now? *ahem* let's just say, better safe than sorry.

why am i saying this? well, 2 incidents triggered this thought.

yesterday, i was walking to office from the LRT station. as i walk, someone called out, "excuse me, excuse me." i was afraid. i didn't know whether to reply or to ignore. in the past, i have really bad experiences with strangers asking me things. due to such experiences, i have become more careful and wary of strangers. thus, me being rude and not answering people when being called.

yesterday, when that stranger called out... a chord of fear strikes me in my heart. i did try not to answer.. but he kept calling me. i turn my head to where he was, warily.. afraid that he might be another pervert. he was a really tall indian guy, i think more than 6 feet tall. and i said, yes? luckily he was asking me where is menara tan & tan. sigh.

another incident happened in my office. my office does not have its own washroom. we have a common washroom, sharing with other companies, and occasionally strangers. so you will never know who will be around. i went to the washroom yesterday. as i was walking out of the washroom, there was a malay man right outside of the washroom. he asked me, is there anyone else in there? and i was like, huh?? feeling afraid, didn't know what to answer him. he repeated his question and i answered him, yes and i quickly walk back to my office.

this is getting bad. i am so paranoid. so wary of strangers. no wonder they say people these days are rude and not helpful. but can you really blame us? what if i help you, and you turn out to be a conman? or someone waiting to rob me?

what has this world turn into?

i kena tagged again...

2007-03-20T17:40:00.000+08:00

yes, ms june. your wish is my command as i sayang u so much. although i'm having a headache now, i shall respond to your tag and tell the whole world 5 things about me that they do not know or rather, 5 things about me that most people do not know.

i am afraid of birds - all sorts. even roosters, hens and chicks. i find them disgusting. once, when i was 7, i cried when i had to stand near an ostrich to be photographed. especially after i watch a movie called "the birds" by the famous horror master, alfred hitchcock.
i used to have an obsession on faye wong. i subscribed to her newsletters, got an email account @fayewong.com, disturbed my cousins to read the gossip columns whenever there's news about her (it's written in mandarin. i can't read mandarin... i am a really pariah chinese). my obsession stop the day she started going out with nicholas tze.
i did not shed a tear in front of my family during my father's funeral. i cried only in the dark, after everyone's asleep. my reason being so was i thought that everyone was sad enough without me making them even more so. i thought i have to be strong and be the one for them to lean on.
i couldn't speak cantonese well till the age of 13. i had to insert a lot of english words together with cantonese to express myself. because of me, my mother, who is chinese educated, had to learn how to speak some english. when i was 15, i used to speak really rude cantonese, swearing in each sentence like those gangster wannabes/samseng wannabes. i had too many guy friends who speaks like that.
headache ar. so hard to think now. i think my brain has froze. oh shit. one more thing. what the F could it be? i was my daddy's favourite girl. my daddy was very protective of me. he once went to school to talk to a kid who didn't return my books to me. the kid cried. but i got back my book. my pet name at home is ling ling. and i refused to let my nieces and cousins' kids to call me aunty. as they are of the same age or older. and i felt that being called aunty is for old people. and i didn't want to be perceived as an old woman. but now, i am slowly learning to accept it.

gosh, i am signing off now. my brain is seriously shutting down. i don't know why but my eyes are watering, looking as if i am crying. but honestly, i am not.

i went mad and bought 8 books this weekend!

2007-03-19T09:31:00.000+08:00

i was roaming around as usual this weekend... and suddenly stumbled to atria... and saw a warehouse sale! for books!!!!! i went mad and keep on pilling up the books in my hand... in a matter of a few minutes, i have a lot.. had to reduce some...

the month of march.. i've spent a total of rm300 on books alone. i think it's getting out of hand. i need to practice some self restrain.

and also, i am running out of places to store my books. aiseh.. i wish i have a house of my own so that i can store all my books and my stuff. so that i can decorate the whole house. ok ok, i'm dreaming away again.....

by the way, did i mention that i want more time too? and also, dear readers who have experience in investment, do give me some advice. Need to find some ways to invest money and it's time to be a full fledge grown up!

a Shorter post

2007-03-15T09:17:00.000+08:00

after my extra-super-long post the other day, i now have a writer's block. i don't know what to write. there's too many things on my mind. i don't even know what to write as a title for today's post. so here's my ramblings for today.

i'm so tired. my whole body's aching. i am seriously unfit, because a little exercise causes my body to go into fits and spasms. my muscles are aching. gosh, i need a soothing massage to untangle all the knots in my muscles. hmmmm... aahhhhhhh...

i keep on waking up at night these days. never having a good sleep. i don't know what's wrong!

aarrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.... i want to go somewhere and scream my heart out! i want to jump and jump and scream and scream to release all my frustrations. oh, blasted! i am currently listening to a song, blasting it so loud that my eardrums are vibrating so hard (of course, headphone la, i'm at work leh). i wish i can behave like a kid and start stamping my feet now!!!! damn those humans! damn those slimes! damn you, damn it! aaarrrgggghh..... frustrations, begone!

i'm in such a cranky mood now, don't you even start thinking that you want to talk to me!