on days like this, i feel like screaming. i feel like running to the ends of the world. on days like this, i feel so alone. i feel like the world has come crushing down on me. i feel hopeless. on days like this, i wonder why am i alive.
i know i know. these feelings would go away. i would feel better tomorrow or the day after. at the back of my mind, i wonder and question about my faith to God. at the back of my mind, i feel guilty and remorse for doubting that He will make it happen. He is always there for me, i know.
but on days like this, i just want to hide and cry.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
a glimmer of hope
these days, i have been feeling down. nothing seems to be going according to plan. each time i hit an obstacle, i gather my thoughts and focus on a new plan. now, each and every plan that i have drafted and redrafted, worked and reworked, doesn't seem to be working.
i try to ignore it, i try to ignore those thoughts, those images slipping into my mind.. i try to concentrate on other aspects of my life but it's not working. oh how i wish, how much i wish, to have, to hold, to care, to love, something so precious, something so endearing, that without it, it cuts deep into my heart, breaking it to pieces.
and i can't help it, in the corner of my mind, i feel somehow it's my fault. that i'm guilty.
days like this, i seek comfort from God. i seek courage, i seek strength, i seek hope and most of all, i seek peace.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
pray for her
life is so fragile. oh gosh, my mind's a mess right now. my niece, a 6 months old baby is very ill. and here i was, whining about my weight, obsessing about Gucci & Prada and my poor niece is getting worse by the minute. aarrggghhhh i dunno what to do.
my niece has rashes round her cheeks for some time. at first the doctor just provided some cream to apply. as she wasn't getting any better, my brother brought her to see a different doctor and the doctor suspected that it has something to do with her blood and ordered a blood test for her. and turns out her platelet is low, at 80 (normal is 150). the next day, another blood test was performed and this time her platelet is 70. doctor said that they will need to do another test the following day and if the platelet count drops again, a bone marrow test would be done. again a blood test is performed and this time her platelet increased to 90, and hence i thought that she will be better. that was last monday (5 July).
yesterday, her blood was tested again and her platelet count has dropped to 67. my brother, panicking, quickly drove up to Subang from Seremban to send her to SDMC but SDMC specialist was not in and the other doctor said that they would need to do the blood tests and the bone marrow tests again, and the those would roughly cost around rm10,000. so my brother sent my niece back to the Seremban GH again. she was admitted to the hospital and her platelet count has dropped to 40. she is currently encountering difficulties in breathing. and her bone marrow test is scheduled for tomorrow. if there are problems with her bone marrow, she will be referred to UMCC.
i am worried. i fear for her. my heart aches for her. i pray that she will be fine, i pray that she will be healthy and i pray that she will be strong.
Lord Jesus Christ, Good Shepherd of the sheep, you gather the lambs in your arms and carry them in your bosom: We commend to your loving care this child Ann Qi. Relieve her pain, guard her from all danger, restore to her your gifts of gladness and strength, and raise her up to a life of service to you. Hear me, we pray, for you dear Name's sake. Amen.
my niece has rashes round her cheeks for some time. at first the doctor just provided some cream to apply. as she wasn't getting any better, my brother brought her to see a different doctor and the doctor suspected that it has something to do with her blood and ordered a blood test for her. and turns out her platelet is low, at 80 (normal is 150). the next day, another blood test was performed and this time her platelet is 70. doctor said that they will need to do another test the following day and if the platelet count drops again, a bone marrow test would be done. again a blood test is performed and this time her platelet increased to 90, and hence i thought that she will be better. that was last monday (5 July).
yesterday, her blood was tested again and her platelet count has dropped to 67. my brother, panicking, quickly drove up to Subang from Seremban to send her to SDMC but SDMC specialist was not in and the other doctor said that they would need to do the blood tests and the bone marrow tests again, and the those would roughly cost around rm10,000. so my brother sent my niece back to the Seremban GH again. she was admitted to the hospital and her platelet count has dropped to 40. she is currently encountering difficulties in breathing. and her bone marrow test is scheduled for tomorrow. if there are problems with her bone marrow, she will be referred to UMCC.
i am worried. i fear for her. my heart aches for her. i pray that she will be fine, i pray that she will be healthy and i pray that she will be strong.
Lord Jesus Christ, Good Shepherd of the sheep, you gather the lambs in your arms and carry them in your bosom: We commend to your loving care this child Ann Qi. Relieve her pain, guard her from all danger, restore to her your gifts of gladness and strength, and raise her up to a life of service to you. Hear me, we pray, for you dear Name's sake. Amen.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
of mamaks and kopitiams
the other day, when i was driving to work and listening to One.fm, a topic came across. the DJs mentioned about the mamak phenomenon, where we as Malaysians like to frequent and hang out. i beg to differ.
back in the days where i was in school/uni, we frequent mamaks, yes, that's true but as the new generation of kopitiams enter the arena, more and more people hang out at kopitiams. i think the youth these days would be more prone to "lepak" at Old Town or Papa Rich than at mamak stalls. the tides are changing.
gone were those days where mamaks monopolize the market. nowadays you will be as likely to hear "ipoh white coffee ice, satu!" as well as "roti canai, satu!".
or maybe i am bias. yours truly dislikes spending time in mamak stalls. why? cause i find the lack of cleanliness disturbing. well, okay, i guess you can say most restaurants are dirty, just that we don't know it as we can't see it. BUT think about this; already restaurants which look clean on the outside are unhygienic at the inside... what about mamaks which are seemingly dirty on the outside? wouldn't they be even more dirtier/unhygienic on the inside??????
ewwwwwwwww.... try ordering a limau ice (ice lime drink) and you'll see a layer of oil on top. i've sat in a mamak stall before and had a cockroach flew onto me!!! super yikes!! sometimes you will find a strand of hair in your maggie mee goreng or roti canai! and the hair might not have come from the head!!!! yucks!
i think i just lost my appetite. which is a good thing as i am trying to lose some weight. ahaha.. the story of my life. okay enough of dilly dallying, back to work!
p/s please note that not all mamaks are dirty and not all kopitiams are cleaner than mamaks. this post is just a personal view of mine.
back in the days where i was in school/uni, we frequent mamaks, yes, that's true but as the new generation of kopitiams enter the arena, more and more people hang out at kopitiams. i think the youth these days would be more prone to "lepak" at Old Town or Papa Rich than at mamak stalls. the tides are changing.
gone were those days where mamaks monopolize the market. nowadays you will be as likely to hear "ipoh white coffee ice, satu!" as well as "roti canai, satu!".
or maybe i am bias. yours truly dislikes spending time in mamak stalls. why? cause i find the lack of cleanliness disturbing. well, okay, i guess you can say most restaurants are dirty, just that we don't know it as we can't see it. BUT think about this; already restaurants which look clean on the outside are unhygienic at the inside... what about mamaks which are seemingly dirty on the outside? wouldn't they be even more dirtier/unhygienic on the inside??????
ewwwwwwwww.... try ordering a limau ice (ice lime drink) and you'll see a layer of oil on top. i've sat in a mamak stall before and had a cockroach flew onto me!!! super yikes!! sometimes you will find a strand of hair in your maggie mee goreng or roti canai! and the hair might not have come from the head!!!! yucks!
i think i just lost my appetite. which is a good thing as i am trying to lose some weight. ahaha.. the story of my life. okay enough of dilly dallying, back to work!
p/s please note that not all mamaks are dirty and not all kopitiams are cleaner than mamaks. this post is just a personal view of mine.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
hello blog! it's been awhile
wow. it has been quite some time since i last update this blog. okay, i confessed. i actually have another blog at http://www.cathryneleanor.wordpress.com/... even so, i update that blog sporadically. i've decided to move back to blogspot and i want to import some of my post at wordpress but i have yet to find out how. it's so confusing...
maybe at the end of the day, i'll just be lazy and say, oh screw it, i know where my two blogs are and i will be able to track them myself.
it has been a long time. long enough for me to switched 2 jobs, planned a wedding, got married and finally quit smoking. i have been so busy with my work life and personal life that i have neglected my blogs. after 2 years or so of not regularly blogging, i kinda miss it and sometimes i wonder if i had blog those times, maybe i'll be able to freeze those moments forever.
henceforward, i shall make a vow and commit myself to update my blog regularly, if not frequently.
someone said to me, "Let not all your youth be consumed by Time. Leave a memento of (e)words." i think i shall do just that.
hey blogger world, look out. i'm back!
maybe at the end of the day, i'll just be lazy and say, oh screw it, i know where my two blogs are and i will be able to track them myself.
it has been a long time. long enough for me to switched 2 jobs, planned a wedding, got married and finally quit smoking. i have been so busy with my work life and personal life that i have neglected my blogs. after 2 years or so of not regularly blogging, i kinda miss it and sometimes i wonder if i had blog those times, maybe i'll be able to freeze those moments forever.
henceforward, i shall make a vow and commit myself to update my blog regularly, if not frequently.
someone said to me, "Let not all your youth be consumed by Time. Leave a memento of (e)words." i think i shall do just that.
hey blogger world, look out. i'm back!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
MEMEMEMEME
Found this on Friendster and i find it interesting to fill it up.
MY STORY.
Hi, my name is: Cathryn
but you can call me: cath
Never in my life have I: been skinny enough
The one person who can drive me nuts is: the one i care for the most
My high school is: somewhere in seremban
When I’m nervous: my heart pounds as if it wants to jump out of my body and my hand shakes
The last song I listened to was: me singing the Alvin and the Chipmunks "The Christmas Song"
If I were to get married right now it would be to: of course to the person i love most.
My hair: is long, straight and slightly brownish with some frindge.
When I was 4: I was still hook to my bottle.
Last Christmas: I was spring cleaning and re arranging the furniture in the bedroom.
I should be: checking my phone cause i heard there's an incoming sms
When I look down I see: my round tummy
The happiest recent moment was: a few minutes ago.. playing with baby Bryan.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’: i never did watch friends.. but i fancy rachel.
I have a hard time understanding: men and myself.
There r these girls: who stood by me through thick and thin, thanks babes!
If I won an award, the first person Iwould tell would be: first person? no.. i'll shout it out loud for everyone to hear.
I want to buy: a super expensive bag that i can't afford and should not be buying.
Where do you plan to go during chinese new yr: go home to spend some quality time with mum.
If you spent the night at my house: you'll find yourself sleeping late.
The world could do better without: holier-than-thou hypocrites!
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: lotsa and lotsa books! yiipppeee!!
Most recent thing someone else bought me: a pair of earrings.
My middle name is: hehe. i'm not telling.
In the morning I: love to sleep in.
Last night I: watched desperate housewives to sleep.
There’s this guy I know: who i spend most of my time with and i love him to bits.
If I was an animal I’d be a: i do not want to be an animal and never ever imagined myself as one.
A better name for me would be: none other than my current name, Cathryn
Tomorrow I am: going to Church.
Tonight I am: having dinner further away from home.
My birthday is: 4 months away.
MY STORY.
Hi, my name is: Cathryn
but you can call me: cath
Never in my life have I: been skinny enough
The one person who can drive me nuts is: the one i care for the most
My high school is: somewhere in seremban
When I’m nervous: my heart pounds as if it wants to jump out of my body and my hand shakes
The last song I listened to was: me singing the Alvin and the Chipmunks "The Christmas Song"
If I were to get married right now it would be to: of course to the person i love most.
My hair: is long, straight and slightly brownish with some frindge.
When I was 4: I was still hook to my bottle.
Last Christmas: I was spring cleaning and re arranging the furniture in the bedroom.
I should be: checking my phone cause i heard there's an incoming sms
When I look down I see: my round tummy
The happiest recent moment was: a few minutes ago.. playing with baby Bryan.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’: i never did watch friends.. but i fancy rachel.
I have a hard time understanding: men and myself.
There r these girls: who stood by me through thick and thin, thanks babes!
If I won an award, the first person Iwould tell would be: first person? no.. i'll shout it out loud for everyone to hear.
I want to buy: a super expensive bag that i can't afford and should not be buying.
Where do you plan to go during chinese new yr: go home to spend some quality time with mum.
If you spent the night at my house: you'll find yourself sleeping late.
The world could do better without: holier-than-thou hypocrites!
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: lotsa and lotsa books! yiipppeee!!
Most recent thing someone else bought me: a pair of earrings.
My middle name is: hehe. i'm not telling.
In the morning I: love to sleep in.
Last night I: watched desperate housewives to sleep.
There’s this guy I know: who i spend most of my time with and i love him to bits.
If I was an animal I’d be a: i do not want to be an animal and never ever imagined myself as one.
A better name for me would be: none other than my current name, Cathryn
Tomorrow I am: going to Church.
Tonight I am: having dinner further away from home.
My birthday is: 4 months away.
Friday, January 11, 2008
creativity strikes at the oddest hour
it's funny how, when i finally sit down and write, i can't seem to form the words but when i'm about to fall asleep, that's when creativity strikes. how odd! how inconvenient. sigh. it seemed that i am at my most creative when i am unhappy or when i'm sleepy. thus, explaining the lack of post on my blog.
sigh. does this mean that i have to wake up and write down whatever that's in my head before i sleep?
i feel left behind. i feel that most of my friends are doing so well in their life and me... i'm dragging my feet at the back. or is it me, being overly competitive and ambitious again?
i know. i'm just going to focus on one goal at a time. and this time, i gotta achieve that 10 years old goal which i have failed to achieve. i'm 20 milestones away from the project sign off.
wish me luck!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
saturday's indulgence
- Breakfast and lunch: A Glass of Yin Yong and a plate of Olio Pasta
- Tea: Half a regular cup of Coffee Bean's Ultimate Ice Blended
- Dinner: A glass of Herbal tea and a plate of char kuew tiao
- Supper: A glass of milo, a glass of lime juice and bits of roti tissue
yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.... i told myself it's the weekend and i am allowed to indulge...
*nods.. food lover won!*
this morning, i was supposed to either swim or take a walk with my friend... however, cancelled it.. cause i was lazy and tired.. and she sounded sleepy over the phone... superb right? as i actually woke up at 7am... and called her to discuss it.. yet end up cancelling it and went back to sleep. LOL i think i need to tell my friend to be firm with me. hahahahaahaha. can't rely on myself to be dedicated to my regime.
went to Pavillion today but end up not buying anything due to the fact that my finances are really tight this month and the next. it sucks to window shop, me being me, cause i love shopping. sigh.
but yay! found out that next thursday is a public holiday... yippee! more time off from work. sounds fantastic! time to plan for another walk or swim..
Friday, January 04, 2008
today's menu
Breakfast: Sweetened Black Coffee
Lunch: 2 pieces of Toblerone & 1 Diet Coke
Dinner: A bowl of crab and fish porridge
Lunch: 2 pieces of Toblerone & 1 Diet Coke
Dinner: A bowl of crab and fish porridge
yes i am keeping track. i feel sick after OVER eating during the holidays. it has been so for the past 4 months. time to monitor.
and CNY is coming. another overeating overindulging period. and there's a highschool friends reunion.
being a food lover and a vain pot is not easy. most of the time, the food lover part of me wins.
shall update again, when i know what i eat during dinner. lol
off for a meeting now.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Diet of today
*edited*
I've decided to keep a food diary. For me to review my dietary habits and manage it. I know it's boring but I'm lazy to start another blog just for this monitoring purposes.
Breakfast: Sweetened Black coffee
Lunch: Lime Juice, 2 Half Boiled Eggs and 1 slice of Kaya Bread
Dinner: Rice, Curry Chicken, Potato Chicken and Fried Fish
Hahahahaha.... my dinner is waaaaaaayyyyy overboard. now i know where the problem is.
I've decided to keep a food diary. For me to review my dietary habits and manage it. I know it's boring but I'm lazy to start another blog just for this monitoring purposes.
Breakfast: Sweetened Black coffee
Lunch: Lime Juice, 2 Half Boiled Eggs and 1 slice of Kaya Bread
Dinner: Rice, Curry Chicken, Potato Chicken and Fried Fish
Hahahahaha.... my dinner is waaaaaaayyyyy overboard. now i know where the problem is.
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