welcome 2008...

the feeling of elation after entering a new year eludes me. i long for the past excitement. i long for the carefree days. what is becoming of me?

i detest routine. restlessness is becoming the norm these days. it tip toed, sneaking behind my back, and catching me unaware, plunging me into the valley of shadows.

and here i am, feeling my way in the dark, wondering when did i reach here.

oh, don't misunderstand. i'm not unhappy. i'm just bored. unhappy is me drowning in tears. now i'm just yawning my way through.

ya, by the way, before i envelope myself in my boredom, happy new year!

to stifle my boredom, i shall revamp myself and start a whole new list of things to do. yet, i'm afraid of failure, so i would not reveal it now. not till i am able to achieve it.

**take a step out of your comfort zone helps you to succeed**

guilty! as charged!

*cathryn's head is bowed down. too ashamed to look up*

sigh. there goes my 5 days! i could not stand it anymore and i succumb to temptations and cravings. i smoke! bad bad...

what happened to my discipline? sigh. i need to start all over again. restart the counter!

it's like being on a diet program. i always lack that...... kind of.... discipline/commitment/will power. always restarting my diet program. it's no wonder that i can't go down to 42kgs.

after 5 days of not smoking, i actually put on weight. that is bad. really bad. i'm afraid. need to handle my appetite for food and cigarette at the same time. i think i'm more afraid of putting on weight than to smoking. gosh! i sound like i care more of my appearance than my health!

i think what i'll miss most about smoking is when i'm having coffee in Starbucks/Coffee Bean/Dome. Seriously, coffee and cigarette really goes well together.

on a bright note, today is Friday! TGIF!!!!!!!!!

i love weekends! happiness! please please, no more temptations please.

i am not that strong. really. so - don't - tempt - me !

day 5 - missing you missing you and a new addiction

~~i miss you like crazy, even more than words can say, i miss you like crazy, every minute of everyday~~

sigh. can i go for a puff? just a little bit?

ok ok, have to stop this. stop. STOP!!!!

i will think of other things. happy thoughts happy thoughts!

when i first announced to all my friends last saturday that i am quitting, the response i received was, "yeah right, we shall see." wah. so supportive. well, i admit that in the past, i had fail.. and kept on smoking. but this time... i hope it's different? i am keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes held up high.

i have a new addiction. i am so in love with Anna Sui - Secret Wish Magic Romance perfume.

hmm.. yummy.. the smell is so... delicious! it's even more delicious than DKNY's delicious. i just can't get enough of it. hmm.... after i bought it recently, i have been using it day and night.... makes me smell so yummy, that it gives me the shivers. oooh la la. trust me, it's superb, fantastic and it lifts my spirits up. but, it's not a seductive kind of smell though. it's a happy yummy smell. hmm... i simply am in love with it.

5th day of saying bye bye to my bestie, my mood swings from high to low anytime. although i'll miss you, but i hope i will not depend on you. so, all the best! i hope i can last.

4th day and cranky

it's the 4th day and i'm still longing for a puff. been eating so much that i can't believe it. it's so hard to control my appetite.

yesterday i went to Madam Kwan's, Mid Valley for dinner. very very fattening. the dinner menu was:-

• fish head curry
• kangkung belachan
• sambal ikan bilis
• claypot seafood beancurd
• sweet and sour chicken
• nasi bojari
• cendhol
• ice lemon tea

by the rate i'm going, i'll balloon up into a pumpkin by June. *sweat*

sometimes i wonder whether someone is blind. it's pretty obvious that girl is plump/fat/whatever but that someone says that she is not, yet says that I am. why is that so? damn geram, you know. i simply find that offensive and BLIND. buy you specs to wear la, so that you can see properly! either that, or LASIK also can la!

i'm cranky. i wonder too, why is it my job to remind people to do their job? why in the hell can't they be more responsible and do it themselves? why do i need to blardy do a list for her, what is needed of her, and calls her to remind her? why is email not enough? is it because you can just pretend you didn't receive that email thus you can get away with not doing the task? and you can't pretend you don't know about the task because i called you and talked to you on the phone? is that why i need to call you every time? yeah, yeah, my job is to follow up on people and monitor them, making sure that she/he is doing her/his job. i'm like a nanny/kindergarten teacher.

and i can't believe my current wants that are floating in my head now. i am SOOOOOO materialistic. why do i need such stuffs for? whatever for? satisfaction? or just to waste money? random info, my credit card expenses are at its limit.

• jason is going to bangkok tomorrow. i am so envious. i want to go shopping and explore bangkok too. it has been 3 years since i last went there.
  
• mabel is going to singapore in june. i want to go to singapore too.
  
• i have not even been to Penang before. Not even Ipoh. gosh, this is pathetic. how pathetic can i get?
• i was reading kennysia today. i want to climb mount kinabalu too!
• i want a car. not just any car, but at least, a toyota. why? i don't know. i'm just being materialistic and cranky.
  
• i want to have lunch with my friends, like the good old days of college. i miss college. i miss being able to smoke (yeah only me smoke among them) and bullshit with them.
  
• i want a smoke. i feel so cranky. cranky cranky. cranky is the theme for today.

yes, this is a bitching post. i am bitching, whining, complaining, whatever la!

i want to curse. i want to swear. in my mind, i'm cursing in cantonese. very unladylike ar? whatever la!

kalau tak suka, jangan baca la. saya tengah frus sekarang. frus tau? tau tak? hari ini, jangan cari pasal dengan saya.

i will bite, i will snap, i will scream, i will punch you right at the eye. this is how frustrated/cranky i am.

i think i got off at the wrong side of the bed. eh, nope, sorry, i only can get off at one side. maybe i angin today. don't play play!

3rd day - will I survive?

3rd day without my favourite companion. ouch! i'm getting a headache. i'm eating more. darn! will i become a fat pig by end of this quitting program? my pants.. are getting tighter again. sheeetttt!

huffing and puffing. dragging it. oh gosh. every minute every second, i'm longing for it.

i have decided, once i reach the one month mark, i will reward myself with something. a dress maybe? spa? facial? hmm. a Coach bag? kekekeke.... darn it, i'm wasting money again.

ok. shall need to budget it. my reward can be no more than RM200. erm, then maybe no spa.

omg! i sound like a drug addict......

dear God, please give me the strength to pull this through. and please give me the determination to not put on weight although i quit smoking. please please please. i can't bear it.

anyone up for a jog/walk saturday morning, 7 am? call me.

here's to a healthier me!

the aftermath

my birthday dinner has come and go. i will post the pictures of it later. i haven't upload it to my laptop yet.

thanks guys! for coming! thanks for the presents! and most importantly, for the company!

now, i am no longer allowed to smoke. sigh. today is my second day without a smoke. withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. i miss it. i miss inhaling it. i miss holding it in my fingers. my mouth feels stale without it. i feel lost but i must overcome this!

i don't want to be dependent on cigarettes. help! my mind keeps on thinking about getting a smoke. hmm, does chewing gum help?

any suggestion to kick this habit far far away?

btw, is shisha another form of smoking?

my current dream

My current dream is to have an apartment like this, living on my own, in my own home. I would love to have the capability of decorating my own place to stay. That would be nice. The thing is, I can't afford it myself. Unless I get a RM1k pay raise. Or at least another RM500 pay raise. I am so dreaming it now.... that's the life....

Food is Evil and Hunger is Good

I need to re program my brain to think that way. Either that or I need to stop being greedy and eat only what I need. Also, have to practice the habit of choosing healthier and not so fattening food. Why, oh, why I dislike sweating? Why am I so lazy to exercise? Why? Really need to start moving my butt.

Cath's Disaster Recovery Plan

1. No more suppers
2. No more sweet drinks
3. Only 2 cups of coffee a day - maximum
4. Skipping 100 times everyday?
5. Half my rice portion.. Decrease carbs and increase protein
6. Lift some weights daily?
7. Swimming during weekends?
8. No more all-you-can-eat outings
9. No more booze
10. Drink more green tea
11. 50-100 sit ups a day?
12. No more junk food - Don't be tempted.. Don't be tempted
13. Hehe Go window shopping during the weekends.. walk more..
14. Drink at least 3 litre of water daily
15. Yoga?

Perhaps some of you would notice that I actually put a question mark (?) next to some of my steps.. Hehe.. This is because.. I'm not that sure that I can actually do all of that.. especially now.. eversince I start working.

Losing weight is tough when you are working as you cannot pay all your attention to the project. You do not have as much time as you used to have since you need to spend at least 9 hours at work. And travel around 2 hours to work and from work. 1 hour for dinner and shower. 8 hours for sleep. 1 hour to prepare to work. Another 3 hours for others.

Let me show the calculations here:-

1 hour - prepare to work
1 hour - journey to work
9 hours - at work and lunch
1 hour - journey back home
1 hour - shower, clean up, dinner
3 hours - Miscellanous (TV, Meet friends, Clean room, wash clothes, Read books, Rest)
8 hours - Sleep
---------------------------
24 hours - Total
---------------------------

Now, do you know what I mean by... no time? Sigh. I need more time. And let me justify my extra need for rest - I need to stand for 35 minutes in the LRT... so in total - I stand for 1 hour and 10 minutes everyday. Yeah I know standing non stop for 35 minutes is not that bad. But I will be in a sardine can LRT - a really jam packed one - with so many people pushing you and trying to fight for your space to stand. So that 35 minutes is really a war. (My friend and I calls the Putra LRT as the energy sucking tube!) And I walk 10 minutes to office - so in total 20 minutes of walk daily.

Anyway, to end this - Total weight to lose - 10 kgs. I hope I am successful this time. Wish me luck people!

I'm kicking off that habit!

• Ok, here's the deal. I've finally decided to QUIT SMOKING once and for all. Been procrastinating bout it for a WHOLE YEAR already. Been smoking ALOT and smoking LESS on and off. Been saying it's due to stress or mood swings but I realized now, if I really want to stop, I have to do it now or never cause I can keep on giving myself excuses or just do it! Now, NOW I INTEND to STOP!

Well, the benefits of stopping are as follows:

• Better looking skin (Age slower & lesser ZITS)
• Whiter Teeth
• More money in my purse
• Better smelling breath
• Reduced risk of lung cancer & other types of cancers
• Better image. PEOPLE can finally stop thinking me as BAD/WILD
• Finally, no more hiding behind my family's back & no more lectures from those who cares. HEHE

Well guys, wish me LUCK! Here's to a better lifestyle & to a better CATHRYN!