deep within me

i have a perpetual fear of aging. i am afraid that time is running out and i will not be able to achieve my dreams. what if i turn out to be a failure? NO!!!!! i do not want that to happen.

i am afraid that i will make the wrong decisions and end up...... being a nobody. i want a career and a successful one at that. it's funny how i fear ending up poor more than i fear choosing the wrong person to marry. it's really weird how i fear not having a successful career more than i fear not having someone to love me.

oh please, don't get me wrong. i do fear marrying the wrong person. i do fear not having someone to love me. of course i do! but i kinda fear not making something out of myself more. i fear being a failure more.

i am so afraid of becoming a nobody. someone that people will not look up to. i am so afraid of people looking down on me. i'm so afraid of having people not respecting me.

i am always wondering, when will it be the right time for me to change jobs, what will be the right kind of job for me, what can i do to earn more and achieve more, what kind of certification i should have to boost my price in the career market, what kinda skill should i have, etc...

it's such a frightening thought, that any wrong step might hinder/delay my progress with my career. it's not like playing games... where you can restart any time if your mission gone wrong... i feel.... to make the best out of it, you'll only have one chance. either you make it or you don't.

i cannot CANNOT go blindly in my career path.. hmm.. time to think more.

gosh, why can't i remain 23 forever? then i will have extra time to plan/redo my career. sigh.

disheartening news

i'm being emotional again. my mood is swinging up and down. how is it that when your life seems to be where it's supposed to be that suddenly because of certain things, it turns as gloomy as a rainy day?

i don't want this to happen. i don't want it. yet i am incapable of preventing it. should i be bothered by it? yes, of course. should i stop being bothered by it? definitely so. but matters of the heart is not that easy controlled. Ms Heart never wants to listen to Mr Brain.

just.. try... to... be responsible, brother.

`nuff said.

here's to all of you! thanks!

Happy 23rd Birthday!
Gosh, I'm old.
Dear friends, thanks for coming.
I know I suck at making that speech.
But I am shy (Yes, I am!)
and
I do not know how to express myself in front of so many eyes.
I guess, for the many years that you know me,
you'll know how much it meant to me.

1,2,3 BLOW!

take 1 - don't bully me, take 2 - a better shot, take 3 - blurry eye?

Long Long table.....

dear dear friends

the lack of customer service in malaysia

first and foremost, i believe everyone in Malaysia has experienced bad customer service before. truth be told, customer service in Malaysia is not up to par if compare to other countries. in fact, a lot of companies in Malaysia do not invest much in customer service. we don't need to look far and analyze some big companies. no, sadly, we only need to look at the most basic ones, where sales are made if there is good customer service.

let us take Golden Screen Cinemas, for example. yesterday, i experienced extremely excruciating BAD customer service. i seriously winced in pain when i faced those imbeciles. the story goes like this; i had 2 free tickets to redeem for the Pirates of the Caribbeans 3. i stood in line at the Gold Class ticket counter. please bear in mind that we can buy Gold Class tickets, collect our reservations and online bought ticket, and redeem our vouchers at that BLARDY Gold Class counter. i know this as i have done all of it before. and so, i stood in line, waiting patiently for 15 minutes till it is my turn. when i gave the vouchers to the idiotic ticket seller on duty, he went to 2 other idiotic 'don't know what their post' GSC staff and stood there discussing. OMG. why the marketing & promotions department didn't inform them? where is the co-ordination?

ok, for that moment, i was just annoyed about their lack of knowledge. after 10 minutes of discussing, asking one person to the other, that idiotic ticket sellar came back and told me, yeah the vouchers are valid. "DUH! the blardy vouchers are specifically for the Pirates of the Caribbeans and it's from OCBC!" anyway, he said, "sorry, you have to redeem this at the other counter as this counter is for GOLD CLASS ticket ONLY." and so, i stood there arguing with him and the other idiot who i don't know what his position is. i said,"why can't i redeem it here since i've did that before?" he said,"oh, normally you can't but i would allow it for this time, but you have to line up again." by that time, i was already going to explode. that IDIOT asked me to give way to people when he wants to talk to me. FINE. but now, after talking, he's asking me to QUEUE up again? *&#$##%%@ ^#^%&%^&^ to cut the long story short, i QUEUED up AGAIN, as, Stephen asked me not to argue with them because it's pointless talking to imbeciles and also because the line was short. IDIOTS IDIOTS. why ask me to line up again when it's because of your incompetencies that i gave up my line? now, i want to shout, "GSC's CUSTOMER SERVICE sucks!"

here's an example of BAD customer service from a BIG company.

MAXIS - the number one telecommunication company in Malaysia. Stephen had an appointment with MAXIS to install wireless broadband in his house. the agreed time was 11am on Sunday. so we waited till 12.15. no one called, no one came. Stephen then called MAXIS and inquire about it. the person said, "oh, the time will be 12 to 1.". Stephen asked, "can you please call the vendor and ask him where he is or perhaps you can pass me the number?". MAXIS customer service said, "sorry, i can't call them. and i don't have their number. the vendor will call you" HUH??? ok, fine. we waited till 1 plus. and no one came, no one called. Stephen called MAXIS again. this time, MAXIS CS said he will call the vendor. OMG, then why earlier you can't call? IDIOTS, i tell you. REAL IDIOTS. so the vendor called Stephen after Maxis called him, "sorry, i can't come now. can i come tomorrow?" OMG. by this time, i can almost strangle them. "Of course you can't come tomorrow. I arranged this time because I won't be in on weekdays.". So MR Irresponsible Vendor said, "oh, then i will come at 4.30pm. I'll call you!". Ok, fine. We decided not to wait at home for this useless buggers, so we went out to One U. at 4.30, no one called, and no one came to the house. stephen called MAXIS AGAIN because VENDOR's HP is switched OFF!!!!! this time, MAXIS said he will try to trace the VENDOR and call back. so MAXIS called back 30 minutes later. Said the Vendor will be coming and calling. Yeah, right. Vendor called, "i'm sorry, i couldn't come earlier cause it was raining. i'm coming now." TIME WAS 7.00PM. when he came, asked him some questions regarding the connection and he mumbled incoherent answers and was evading it, trying his best not to answer. WELL DONE, MAXIS. WELL DONE for HIRING such IRRESPONSIBLE idiots to represent you!

i would like to end my whining and excessive anger here by saying, "Malaysia Boleh!". Even with bad customer service, those companies still excel. why you ask? perhaps, the reason is because most Malaysians have this "tidak apa" attitude. *tidak apa means anything goes* Please, don't you all realize how important customer service is? do you know how many fine lines and wrinkles my face will have because of these imbeciles angering me? OMG. People, learn your rights. We have the right to be treated fairly, responsibly and respectfully. We have the right to expect for more than just this rubbish which they claim is CUSTOMER SERVICE.

guilty! as charged!

*cathryn's head is bowed down. too ashamed to look up*

sigh. there goes my 5 days! i could not stand it anymore and i succumb to temptations and cravings. i smoke! bad bad...

what happened to my discipline? sigh. i need to start all over again. restart the counter!

it's like being on a diet program. i always lack that...... kind of.... discipline/commitment/will power. always restarting my diet program. it's no wonder that i can't go down to 42kgs.

after 5 days of not smoking, i actually put on weight. that is bad. really bad. i'm afraid. need to handle my appetite for food and cigarette at the same time. i think i'm more afraid of putting on weight than to smoking. gosh! i sound like i care more of my appearance than my health!

i think what i'll miss most about smoking is when i'm having coffee in Starbucks/Coffee Bean/Dome. Seriously, coffee and cigarette really goes well together.

on a bright note, today is Friday! TGIF!!!!!!!!!

i love weekends! happiness! please please, no more temptations please.

i am not that strong. really. so - don't - tempt - me !

day 5 - missing you missing you and a new addiction

~~i miss you like crazy, even more than words can say, i miss you like crazy, every minute of everyday~~

sigh. can i go for a puff? just a little bit?

ok ok, have to stop this. stop. STOP!!!!

i will think of other things. happy thoughts happy thoughts!

when i first announced to all my friends last saturday that i am quitting, the response i received was, "yeah right, we shall see." wah. so supportive. well, i admit that in the past, i had fail.. and kept on smoking. but this time... i hope it's different? i am keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes held up high.

i have a new addiction. i am so in love with Anna Sui - Secret Wish Magic Romance perfume.

hmm.. yummy.. the smell is so... delicious! it's even more delicious than DKNY's delicious. i just can't get enough of it. hmm.... after i bought it recently, i have been using it day and night.... makes me smell so yummy, that it gives me the shivers. oooh la la. trust me, it's superb, fantastic and it lifts my spirits up. but, it's not a seductive kind of smell though. it's a happy yummy smell. hmm... i simply am in love with it.

5th day of saying bye bye to my bestie, my mood swings from high to low anytime. although i'll miss you, but i hope i will not depend on you. so, all the best! i hope i can last.

4th day and cranky

it's the 4th day and i'm still longing for a puff. been eating so much that i can't believe it. it's so hard to control my appetite.

yesterday i went to Madam Kwan's, Mid Valley for dinner. very very fattening. the dinner menu was:-

• fish head curry
• kangkung belachan
• sambal ikan bilis
• claypot seafood beancurd
• sweet and sour chicken
• nasi bojari
• cendhol
• ice lemon tea

by the rate i'm going, i'll balloon up into a pumpkin by June. *sweat*

sometimes i wonder whether someone is blind. it's pretty obvious that girl is plump/fat/whatever but that someone says that she is not, yet says that I am. why is that so? damn geram, you know. i simply find that offensive and BLIND. buy you specs to wear la, so that you can see properly! either that, or LASIK also can la!

i'm cranky. i wonder too, why is it my job to remind people to do their job? why in the hell can't they be more responsible and do it themselves? why do i need to blardy do a list for her, what is needed of her, and calls her to remind her? why is email not enough? is it because you can just pretend you didn't receive that email thus you can get away with not doing the task? and you can't pretend you don't know about the task because i called you and talked to you on the phone? is that why i need to call you every time? yeah, yeah, my job is to follow up on people and monitor them, making sure that she/he is doing her/his job. i'm like a nanny/kindergarten teacher.

and i can't believe my current wants that are floating in my head now. i am SOOOOOO materialistic. why do i need such stuffs for? whatever for? satisfaction? or just to waste money? random info, my credit card expenses are at its limit.

• jason is going to bangkok tomorrow. i am so envious. i want to go shopping and explore bangkok too. it has been 3 years since i last went there.
  
• mabel is going to singapore in june. i want to go to singapore too.
  
• i have not even been to Penang before. Not even Ipoh. gosh, this is pathetic. how pathetic can i get?
• i was reading kennysia today. i want to climb mount kinabalu too!
• i want a car. not just any car, but at least, a toyota. why? i don't know. i'm just being materialistic and cranky.
  
• i want to have lunch with my friends, like the good old days of college. i miss college. i miss being able to smoke (yeah only me smoke among them) and bullshit with them.
  
• i want a smoke. i feel so cranky. cranky cranky. cranky is the theme for today.

yes, this is a bitching post. i am bitching, whining, complaining, whatever la!

i want to curse. i want to swear. in my mind, i'm cursing in cantonese. very unladylike ar? whatever la!

kalau tak suka, jangan baca la. saya tengah frus sekarang. frus tau? tau tak? hari ini, jangan cari pasal dengan saya.

i will bite, i will snap, i will scream, i will punch you right at the eye. this is how frustrated/cranky i am.

i think i got off at the wrong side of the bed. eh, nope, sorry, i only can get off at one side. maybe i angin today. don't play play!

3rd day - will I survive?

3rd day without my favourite companion. ouch! i'm getting a headache. i'm eating more. darn! will i become a fat pig by end of this quitting program? my pants.. are getting tighter again. sheeetttt!

huffing and puffing. dragging it. oh gosh. every minute every second, i'm longing for it.

i have decided, once i reach the one month mark, i will reward myself with something. a dress maybe? spa? facial? hmm. a Coach bag? kekekeke.... darn it, i'm wasting money again.

ok. shall need to budget it. my reward can be no more than RM200. erm, then maybe no spa.

omg! i sound like a drug addict......

dear God, please give me the strength to pull this through. and please give me the determination to not put on weight although i quit smoking. please please please. i can't bear it.

anyone up for a jog/walk saturday morning, 7 am? call me.

here's to a healthier me!

the aftermath

my birthday dinner has come and go. i will post the pictures of it later. i haven't upload it to my laptop yet.

thanks guys! for coming! thanks for the presents! and most importantly, for the company!

now, i am no longer allowed to smoke. sigh. today is my second day without a smoke. withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. i miss it. i miss inhaling it. i miss holding it in my fingers. my mouth feels stale without it. i feel lost but i must overcome this!

i don't want to be dependent on cigarettes. help! my mind keeps on thinking about getting a smoke. hmm, does chewing gum help?

any suggestion to kick this habit far far away?

btw, is shisha another form of smoking?

my birthday my birthday

surprise! i found a present on the chair when i woke up! hehe.. i so hearts it!!!!!! thank you... muacks! a really pleasant surprise!

everyone at work, well at least those sitting nearby me, wished me happy burfday! and gave me *hugs*. "leap of joy"

and made me so embarrassed, cause they played a happy birthday song!.... embarrassed but happy!

then my colleagues belanja lunch! thank you!!! arigato!

hmm. what about tonight? anymore surprises?? hehehehehe

Turning 23

I'll be 23 in 1 hour 30 minutes time. I wonder what life has in store for me at 23. How much will I mature and grow?

Gosh, there's too many things in my mind right now. I can't write properly. Been experiencing this block since a couple of weeks ago. Thus, my lack of posting.

What do I have to say? Birthday is just another day, right? Age is just digits and numbers right?

Recently, at work, so many things happened. I realize that through out this 7 months of working with my team, I have learn to appreciate and cherish them. That, at least, in my opinion, we are a team. Now, I will start with a new team, and I hope, things will be for the better.

I hope I will learn more things and be a more capable person at work.

At 23, I hope to learn how to be more understanding and patient. To learn how to handle things maturely.

I hope each year represents something to me. That when I look back, I would think that I did not waste that year away.

23, here I come!

to be cruel to be kind

gosh, it's hard. it's easier said than done. who would have thought that being nasty is hard? especially to a loved one. believe me, it's all for your own good. i just want you to be able to stand on your own two feet especially at your age. i can't keep on helping you each time you run into some problem. if i help you now, indirectly, i will be destroying you. i don't want that to happen. please, learn from your mistakes. it's about time to grow up.

sigh. i feel sad seeing you like this. it is not easy doing nothing to help you now but it's for the best. do not think that i don't care, brother. i do.