someone else

do you ever wish that you are someone else? do you ever wonder how is it like to be someone else? well, i do. as i walk down the street, i wonder what is that person thinking, what is her story, how's her life's like, and i wish for a second that i can be her for a day.

i am always curious. curious about many things. perhaps, some things that i shouldn't be even thinking about. maybe, this is why i am eccentric or you can say odd.

i wish that i have the power. THE power that allows me to be someone else for a day or two. i will like to try living a lot of people's life. i also wish that i am able to experience life of a different time. not now, but a century ago, or a decade ago, perhaps even longer.

i wish to know how different others think. i wish to know what they feel and how they behave or react. i wish to know whether the colors that i see now, the color that i call red, is the same as the color called red for another person. i wish to look through their eyes, to experience life differently, from what i am currently experiencing. i wish to know what makes them tick, what makes them happy and how emotions feel like, when i am them..

is it the same, i wonder? is it different for each of us?

i want to feel how a different body feels, i want to know how it feels to have different blood flowing in my veins.

but surprisingly, each time i wonder, how it feels to be that person, it will always be a she. never in my mind, did i ever wish to try how it feels to be a he.

i wonder how it will be to have a different background, to come from a different financial state, to look different and have a different group of friends. i wonder and i wonder.

if i ever get the chance, i wonder too, whether i will learn a lot from it, and whether i will wish that i never get the chance to try.

being me, is weird.

the ring on the finger

what does it mean? commitment? a warning to others? a bait to get others? or a symbol of love?
do you want one? the ring on the finger...

just a thought that flashed through my mind when i was commuting. i had a seat. right in front of me was a man. he was wearing a simple wedding band.

there are many stories regarding the commitment of marriage. some are good, some are bad. this makes me think. a lot.

can you tolerate infidelity? can you tolerate the lack of commitment? can you pretend you don't know when you do? can you share?

can you? i know i can't.

and it comes to a point where i think, will i ever be a third party? a home wrecker? i hope not.

what was she (home wrecker) thinking? how does she feel? does she know she will be branded as that woman? that husband snatching woman? that cheap woman? what goes on in her mind?

i am intrigued.

Waiting here, nothing to do but to fiddle with my phone functions to blog

My office entrance. So dark... Gosh, i damn mou liu. Faster, ask me to balik rumah!!

Vacancies Available: Software Engineer & Technical Support

SOFTWARE ENGINEER - 3 vacancies
RESPONSIBILITIES
- participates in all various stages of software development.
- deliver well implemented applications.
- solve technical problems that arise.
- research in new technologies.
- work closely with IT project managers, DBA, Business & Marketing Consultants, External clients.
- must be able to provide support during non-office hours.

REQUIREMENT
- Years of experience needed: at least 1 year involving hard-core programming.
- Qualifications: BSc Computer Science or relevant IT degrees.
- Experience needed: .NET programming language, Java, C++ would be an advantage.
- Knowledge on Service Oriented Architecture & Web services.

TECHNICAL SUPPORT (24/7) - 4 vacancies
RESPONSIBILITIES
- handles customer's enquiry either phone, email or face-to-face.
- conducts network & application monitoring and troubleshooting.
- diagnose hardware & application faults and solves technical problems.
- ability to think analytically and work independently.
- has good interpersonal skills.
- willing to work shifts.

REQUIREMENT
- Years of experience needed: at least 1 year relevant industry experience
- Qualifications: Diploma/BSc Computer Science or relevant IT degrees
- Experience needed: Network monitoring and troubleshooting skills, tolerates high pressure from demanding clients, passionate about problem identification & fixing.

Hehe, Posting an advert here. Is for my company. Anyone interested, please send your CV to cathryn.belle@gmail.com. I will help forward to my company's CTO. Don't want to post her email address here..... Don't know whether she mind or not, so better play safe, and use my email instead. Btw, we don't mind taking in fresh grads. Guys, please help me ask around. Thanks! *hugs*

to tell or not to tell?

Today, while in the LRT, I looked in front of me. There was this woman, reading a book about VOIP. She was so engrossed with that book that she didn't realize that I was looking.

Guess what I saw? She didn't zip her pants. It was left open. She only button the only button and didnt zip it.

And so I thought, "Should I tell her? But how?"

Options:-

1. Stand up and whisper in her ear
2. Type an SMS and show my handphone to her
3. Tap on her hand, and point at her zipper.

Ta Dah.. I did non of that and remained silent. Sigh. I really don't know how to tell her. Embarrasing la. And I know I should have told her.

i want MAXIM 2000!

Someone, please get me this! I so want this! It's somewhat like the "Click" movie. If only relationship is as easy as this! It's like, click, test, don't like, click. Haha. Anyone know where is this selling? Best gift of the year. Would even be funny to have it as a gift even if it doesn't work.

My Confessions

Girl's Confession
[x] I'm not easy. of course, i'm not! but i know a girl who is.
[x] I do wear make up. every single freakin' day
[x] When I walk by mirrors, I can't help but look. yeah, told you i am vain!
[ ] I wear toe nail polish.
[x] I have cried at a movie theater. But i hide my tears
[x] I've purposely talked to a guy my boyfriend didn't like. Yeah, cause i was feeling childish and wanna spite him.
[ ] I love chocolate covered pretzels
[x] Getting a flower makes me smile, especially for no reason. So, i'm hinting for more flowers here! Hurry, Get me one!
[ ] I've wrecked a car. Sorry, haven't manage to wreck a car yet.. but does a dent count?
[x](I can't put mascara) on without opening my mouth. Yeah, laugh all you want
[x] I'd do anything for a special guy. Ask Him
[x] I love cuddling. Er, depends on with who
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is hot in Pirates of the Carribean. i think he looks like a faggot
[x] I've gotten a detention. yeah. detention. when i was in form 1. cause the idiot teacher was having a bad day and wanted to make my day bad as well.
[ ] I've gotten suspended
[x] I love to laugh. who does not like to laugh, please tell me? i think you might need to check your mental health. of course everyone loves to laugh.
[x] I like rock. depends on how rock is the song.
[x] I like rap. actually depends on my mood.
[x] I like techno. only when i want to numb myself or dance.
[x] I carry a purse. i'm becoming old. i know.
[ ] I've been called a "party". what does this means?
[x] I did own a Spice girls CD. erm. does a spice girl cassette counts?
[x] I did own a Britney Spears CD. erm. i've got her MP3s.
[x] Football isn't boring. When there's a lot of HOT players
[ ] I love athletic boys. i don't know
[ ] I love skater boys. i don't know
[ ] I love ghetto boys. i don't know
[ ] I love emo boys. i don't know. i just don't love boys!
[x] Sweet guys are better than hot guys. of course, but the sweet guys must be ok looking too.
[x] I've been called a tease. not a tease. but flirtatious, yes. By my girlfriends! Muahaha, WTF?
[x] Lip gloss is better than lipstick. i hardly use any lip gloss either. i just leave my lips bare.
[x] I can't leave the house without makeup. erm. yeah. if not, i'll wear a really huge shades.
[ ] I'm a bitch. Deal with it.
[x] I play video games, even when there are other people around. i used to be addicted to games
[x] My friends are the best, and they're important to me. i place them close to my heart. *here*
[x] I can be crazy. sometimes i am so crazy that no one can stand me.
[x] I really want to be with a certain someone right now. hehe. who doesn't?
[x] I smoke way too much. yes, i WANNA QUIT! HELP!
[x] I have a tattoo or I want one. i used to want one, very long ago. but now, i don't think so.
[ ] I have been to more than 5 concerts. i've never been to a concert. rather sad, ain't it?

Postponed

everything is postponed. my timeline...... sh*t! everything will be overdue! OMG. damn it! $%@#$%&*&(%^$#$#$%$!%%$&^&^&$#@&^*()(@$#! OMG OMG! timeline bombed!

panic strikes! *sweat* *cathryn jumping up and down hysterically and end up tripping herself and bumped her head*

i shall cross my fingers and hope for the best!

my pretty friends and me!

*Tah Dah! Me!* Fatter I know

*Muacks, Yan Chun*
she's my Pillar of Strength.

*Pretty Hui Ling, Thank you! i'm touched by you*
she's like my guardian angel..

*Gorgeous Mabel - i hearts you!*
I think she look absolutely sweet and pretty here,
don't know why she says she looks horrible in this picture.

the easiest way out

let's just agree to disagree. i agree it is hard. i agree there's no point. i agree it shouldn't be so hard. i agree with the hatred. i agree with the incompatibility. i agree that our views are different. I agree that we cannot achieve what it is expected.

i finally agree to disagree. i no longer want you to understand or look at my point of view as i know you won't be able to and i know it is hard for you. it is also hard for me. thus, let's just agree to disagree.

let me vent let me vent let me let it out

there's a void in my heart, needing to be filled. begging to be filled. my heart said to me, she is lonely. the void is making her cold. can't i provide any warmth, she asked. my dear heart, it's not that i don't want to do it, i can't. i am helpless.

she said, "why? why can't you? all i can feel is bitterness. all i can feel is hopelessness. all i can feel is hurt. all i can feel is disappointments. all i can feel is anxiety. all i can feel is a sense of dread. why? stop hurting me! stop all these feelings. it's not good for me. can't you see? i'm freezing. i'm fading away......"

dear heart, dear dear heart,

be strong. be patient. believe me, trust in me, this will pass. have faith. 'cause, if you fade away, i will fade away too. so please don't leave me, dear heart.

aaarrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... let me vent let me vent let me let it out
stop this stop this stop this stop this! listen to me! listen to me! i am pleading.

i have feelings. i am human. i bleed too. there's just so much that i can take. your words pierced into my heart, as sharp as a blade. at first there was only a trickle of blood.. slowly, it turned into a stream, later it became a river.

life is good because...

thanks jason for caring and giving me a topic to write about. let me start. need to think long and hard.


life is good because.....

• God gave me a chance to keep trying as I am still alive
• I am still young and has a tad more time to err
• I am financially independent since I was 21
• I finished my Degree when I was 21
• my mum loves me so much
  
• I have a boss that is willing to teach and guide me
• I am not ugly
• I have a lot of friends who care
• all my body parts are still attached and functioning
  
• I am not obese
• I have all my teeth (yes, one wisdom tooth is missing but that doesn't count!)
• I can sing decently (I mean at least not really that annoying la, still can follow tune)
• I can hear although my left ear is slightly 'cacat' (can't listen to loud sounds, it will vibrate)
• I am lucky when it comes to studies
• most of the time, I am not intimidated by people
  
• I am kind (it is easier to be kind to people than to be nasty and cruel)
• I am still able to feel. It lets me know that my heart is still here, with me.
  

Dear God,

I will count my blessings daily and realize how fortunate I am. I will learn to be satisfied and be happy with what I have. I will not let small matters and unappreciative people to pull me down. Please guide me and give me the strength to pull it through. Thank you.

Amen.

a game of 'if i am'

• if i am rich, the world would just be a major shopping mall to me
• if i am thin, nasty comments would not be thrown at my way
• if i am gorgeous, my confidence level will reach the sky
• if i am tall, i would need to look down when i talk to people
• if i am 11, i would tell my father that i love him the most and ask him not to go away
• if i am someone's wife, i would be faithful and supportive
• if i am someone's mother, i would cherish the moments of him/her as a baby
• if i am dead, i believe there's a couple of people would be damn happy
• if i am 16, i would concentrate on my studies and spend time with my friends
• if i am happy, life would seem so perfect
• if i am sad, tears would roll down my cheeks like little streams
• if i am wicked, i will do everything in my power to make those that betray me suffer (but lucky for them, i'm not wicked)
  

Regret & Remorse

regret and remorse are 2 worse feelings you can ever feel. as a person, you need to think hard of what is the next step in your life. even so, sometimes you can't help making mistakes. you'll be left wondering what did you do wrong. why has it become a regret since you have thought about it long and hard. why the action/decision that you thought was right is actually wrong? you made the decision rationally and logically, weighing its pros and cons, thinking of the aftermath, of what will happen if i did this or that and yet it has become a regret.

life is just like that. you can never avoid making mistakes. at some point in your life, you'll definitely feel regret and remorse, at least once in your lifetime. and when the time comes, all that's left are just your tears and endless whys. tears of bitter disappointments and failures. tears of lost hopes and lost faith.

in theory, you can't just sit down and keep on crying. you need to stand up again, and continue with living. life, is just one take. you can never rewrite your past nor can you avoid making mistakes. you have to keep on going. but, as i said, it's just a theory.

in reality, you might just end up feeling crushed and broken. you might even never be able to stand up again. you might even never able to have the same faith or optimism. you may be cynical, bitter and not willing to trust people ever again. it really depends on how strong the person is and how bad the mistake is. it also depends on the person's character. perhaps, if the person is forgiving and trusting enough, he or she may still remain the same.

sometimes, at the very end, it is better to just let go as everything and everyone will need to leave someday anyway. as you think of it, why bother? since everything will disintegrate...

ashes to ashes, dust to dust. a lifetime of regret and remorse....

Happy Belated Birthday, Dear Anand!

Dear Anand,

Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry that I wish you abit too late.... but better late than never right? Through out the years that I know you, I would like to say, I am proud to have you as a friend. Well, you'll be my FIRST doctor friend! God knows how hard are those medical papers that you need to pass. And the stress that you go through when you study for them. Yet you manage to pull through and withstand the torment and torture of being away from your beloved family and dearest friends *ahem, me, des & carm* while also being in a hostile foreign country.

No matter, we (the three of us) will stand by you and wait for the day you'll be back! *ahem, i can't speak for des and carm but actually i'm waiting for free doctor's consultation, hahaha*

How do I express how much our friendship means to me? I've known you since kindergarden days and have been in the same primary and secondary school. Basically you are like family. I remember playing in my garden with you. I remember listening to you and Des playing the piano. Most of all, I remember how the 3 of you stood by me when everyone else did not.

I cherish the memories of the 4 of us together and here's to a lifetime of our never ending friendship! We will be waiting for you to come back! *Hugs*

the curse of the phlegm

i am cursed. every time i suffer from a cold and sore throat, the dreaded phlegm would come along. each time i have phlegm, i would suffer from asthma attacks. the phlegm would would somehow block my airway and cause me gasping for air. as far as i recall, this is the only one reason that always cause me to suffer from asthma attacks. which is also why i hate cold and sore throat so much. cause i'm afraid of suffering from another asthma attack again.

right now, i sound like a wheezing old woman with a broken bagpipes stuck in my throat. last night, i broke my clean record. i did not have had any asthma attacks in the past 2 years plus. the curse of the phlegm did it. it made me broke my clean record. last night, i slept with breathing difficulties sounding like a wheezing bagpipe playing all night long. luckily, no one complaint.

aaargggghh! i hate sticky, thick, greenish phlegm. stop sticking to my throat and airway!

excuse me, sir, while i remain silent

my one and only all time favourite past time, has been taken away from me. i can't talk. oh dear! my throat hurts like hell. i have a major cold. and my phlegm is thick and greenish. i want to talk! damn. i can't not talk. i talk for a living and i talk for entertainment. now, how am i suppose to amuse myself and earn a living?

i hate sore throat. this is the one and only common illness i am afraid the most. plus the combination with the cold, it's my number one enemy. mr doctor, sir, can you please give me an injection to make my sore throat go away? pretty pretty please? and while you are at it, any express way to cure my cold? sigh, excuse me everybody, i need to go visit mr doctor. *fingers crossed for that injection!*

please don't call me 'C'. my name is Cathryn

what's with people and single letter names? for example, my name is Cathryn and i call myself C. why? why shorten ourselves to just a mere alphabet? then what's the point of us learning how to pronounce? also, there's nothing special calling yourself just C.

or those people are just following those Hollywood celebs... imitating them, trying to sound glamourous and funky? are they just a celeb wannabe? hmmm... but seriously, think about it. why?

imagine if everyone calls themselves A, B, C, D, till Z. since we only have 26 alphabets... i imagine a lot of people with the same alphabet. imagine your friend's alphabet is A and on the streets, when you call him, "A", i think several heads will turn and stare at you, wondering who you are. tsk tsk, not really a nice situation.

and i do think that by limiting yourself to just an alphabet, it is no longer a name. it is just an alphabet. you are no longer named. you are being tag. it's like a robot or an animal or a lifeless object. gosh, even dogs have names!

my current dream

My current dream is to have an apartment like this, living on my own, in my own home. I would love to have the capability of decorating my own place to stay. That would be nice. The thing is, I can't afford it myself. Unless I get a RM1k pay raise. Or at least another RM500 pay raise. I am so dreaming it now.... that's the life....

Resume/CV

i was just updating my resume on jobstreet, goofing around when i realized something. how come resumes/CV need to be dusty, stuffy, unoriginal, boring, and formal? why can't i write something totally informal? something that reflects my personality? why must it be something that is similar with millions other CV? tell me tell me tell me why. why can't i write something that is ME? if i am able to write something that is totally me and not risk getting hired, it would be as below:-

Dear future employers,

I am happy that you have taken the time off to read my resume. I am a gal, going to be 23 this year. My birthday would be on May 9th, which I hope you will remember it when the time comes, cause I love to receive gifts. You would not regret interviewing me, cause believe me, you won't be bored. I am kinda like a non-stop talker, which sometimes intimidate people. I am friendly, kind and out-going, thus you don't need to worry about hiring a shy, intimidated introvert who secretly wish for you to die, cause, remember, I am kind.

I am also extremely resourceful or other people might say, graded A in using people, as I am always looking for a solution by asking help from my friends and contacts. I believe in receiving favours and giving them out. I don't mind helping people out as I believe that if you are nice to people, one day, when you need a favour, they won't mind helping you. Well, I admit I have my faults as I am somewhat a person that is honest and straight, thus sometimes I find it hard to think of other ways for something to work. Or maybe, I need a second longer to think.

I am also hardworking, good at taking orders and excellent at giving myself stress to adhere to my deadline. To a certain extend, some people might call me buggy as I always check up on the status to ensure that everything is in place. I hate losing control. I am somewhat a control freak. However, I am quite good in hiding my resentment towards people that I dislike yet have to work with. This is because I believe that it never pays to be mean and unkind. Also, I refuse to be political at work and gossip about people as I am afraid of looking for trouble. I just want things to be nice and simple. My motto is, "I am here to work. Not to create or find trouble.".

My favourite past time would be to shop but unless you give me a nice comfortable salary, I doubt I can do that often. I also love to travel as I find other places and cultures fascinating. This also relies on how much money I'm getting from my future job! Reading is my obsession as I find it relaxing and an escape from this world.

I hold an IT degree which I completed in year 2005. During the course of my degree, I was also working part time. I had dozens of part time jobs, ranging from a promoter, to a telemarketer, a receptionist to a Starbucks barista. So believe me when I say, I am not a newbie to hard work. My first permanent job was as a events organizer. I finish my final papers in November 2005 and in less than a week, I was off working already. I learnt a lot in my time with Crystal Edge, never realizing that I can actually work that much hours without finally succumbing to total exhaustion. People there were nice and friendly. Too bad, my pay that time was too little, else I would have stayed on. Then I went to work as a software engineer, thinking that I should go back to my roots.. my bachelor of IT. After a few months working there and in Jakarta, I realize that the job was too mundane for me. I was not paying attention and basically, it doesn't allow me to do the things I love doing, for example, talking. I wanted more excitement and, some might say, stress in a different way. So here I am, working as a Regional Business Development Consultant. I can say that I talk and chat for work. I've learnt a lot of business terms and processes that I never thought existed before.

I think I better end my CV here before giving too much away. Mysteries always pike people's interest. Come on, call me. You can reach me at 012- 3*****9. Trust me, you won't regret it. I am smart, young, humble, and eager to learn. And remember, no boredom... as there will be a never ending stream of chatter and questions.

Thank you, my future employers. Ciaos!